The Alicorn Queen (mah first fanfic <3)

[silvermirror]

« Thread Started Today at 10:15am »
Except forn an IB assignement I´ve never written fanfiction before... so Ill do my best here...


The Alicorn Queen

Chapter 1: Unwanted call

She cantered across the meadow, following a shadow slightly larger than herself. She was running with energy, while the one above her soared more slowly.
She stopped, and the flying creature landed before her.
"What? Tired already?"
"Sort of... You never... give up..."
"Well, we have to run back home, now Im the lead!"
"Ah hold it. Scrap! Oh dear... let me catch my breath..."

He got on the sky again and aided by the breeze he reached her back home. There were three alicorns and an earth pony they all had an exotic air about them, unlike their children.
One of the young ponies was Scrap Shade, a pink and hyper earth pony and the other Zaphyro, a draconic alicorn. The filly and colt have been friends since they were very little.

"Oh Scrappie, we were worried about you two"
"It´s okay mom. Besides, Zaphy is with me, he scares everyone out of their pants, especially when he-"
"Scrap!"
"Sorry Zaphy"
"Well, you two go back home, its getting dark"
"Zaphyro, I need you to come to the Dream Castle with me"
"Sure mother. Well Scrap, see you tomorrow"
"Bye"

Zaphyro and his parents rushed into the beautiful lavander castle, Cherries Jubilee Jr. welcomed them inside, there they met with several ponies, including Princess Música, successor to Majesty and new queen of Dream Valley.

"Your Highness, Princess Blue Star and her son Zaphyro"
"Your grace"
"Ah, Princess. I have been expecting you two, but where is Mage Dust?"
"He fears something bad wil happen if he leaves the house alone, you know he is more intuitive than I am"
"Yes. Well, sit. Blue Star, my beloved sworn sister and friend, as we know the silver shadow lurks in my realm once again. You know what is to be done: like my cousin before me, may she rest in peace, protect out kingdom from this threat, even if it means banishing you, your family and other ponies who are linked to her."
"You ask me to leave? Leave my life here? What is the exact reason Música?"
"You, your roots call you, they will claim you and your son. Isn´t that right young Zaphyro?"
"Yes ma`am"
"But there are still others, I need you two to investigate who else must leave with you"
"But where will we live?"
"I have a contact in a very small town beyond the Lavander Mountains, cross there to the east, there lies the Kingdom of Unicornia, my aquaintance will attend you there"
"I will miss you, and all of the friends I´ve made here, goodbye my Queen"
"Goodbye Princess Blue Star"

Zaphyro´s ears remained alert, as her mother sensed danger in their way home. Suddenly Mage Dust came rushing back to them. He explained how a group of mares in armor had surrounded their home, he fooled them easily and escaped to make sure they were alright. Blue Star told her mate how things were, he replied there was not a moment to waste to leave the Dream Valley.

It was noon Zaphyro and Scrap ran into each other on their way out of Dream Valley, Zaphyro did effort to lie to his best friend.
"Whoa, what are you doing here?"
" I´m going to Ponyville in vacation with my parents! Your parents coming too Zaph?"
"Uh I really don´t know. They said it was a surprise"
"Cool, you people going on foot too?"
"Yeah, father says its important to live with the world around you"
"I heard this year it is a super popular destination"
"Yeah it is..."


, end o CH1, critique and feedback welcome!!

[sunstar]

Looks interesting

[battlefield]

Having to leave the kingdom you live in-that's rough.

[Lili]

nice :3

Can't wait to read more ^^"

[Marbletoast]

Hey, welcome to world of fanfic writing! :3 Awesome start into it!

Interesting beginning--it seems like it will have an intriguing plot line, especially when we find out more about why they must be driven out, etc. So keep it up!

I do suggest adding a little more narrative in the dialouge sections, at least to let us know who is speaking which line, and to help us know what's happening exactly. I don't quite know who everyone is in the first chapter, nor who is speaking when. There's nothing for us to use to picture the scene while they speak--only their words. Maybe add some motions, some scenery, some expression, etc.?

And a few small grammar comments:

"He got in the sky again and aided by the breeze he beat her back home."

"There were three alicorns and an earth pony end of sentence; add a period they all had an exotic air about them,"

"...like my cousin before me, may she rest in peace, I must(?)protect our kingdom from this threat,"

"It was noon end of sentence; add a period Zaphyro and Scrap ran into each other on their way out of Dream Valley, end of sentence; replace comma with period Zaphyro gave his best(?) effort to lie to his best friend."

Good work, and keep going!! ^___^