The Story: Part 1 (Rated R)

[sparkler]

(Repost from over on the other board... if nobody minds!)

[Warning: This is different from most MLP fics, the ponies are anthro, there's cussing, there's all types of modern conveniences (tvs, cars, guns , you get the idea.), but its no worse than what you'd see in an R-rated movie. I thought I'd warn people before anyone got blinded. XD Also, there's three different parts to this story, it's very long and this is just the first part. So far it's not finished yet!!! D: So... bear with me. LOL. Alright without further ado!!!]

"Deal with the Devil"

Spectre laid the revolver on the table in front of the white pegasus.

"Alright, here are your orders. You're to go to 1717 Star Hill, and when the pony in question answers the door. You're supposed to take this, and do what I told you to with it. Preferably, blow their head off."

"Wow, sounds like you actually give me a choice." replied Blade sarcastically.

"I'm paying you $10,000 for this. I think you understand what's at stake. You do this for me, or you, my son, will catch hell's end of my wrath." warned the grey pony, his yellow eyes piercing the white peg's hide.

"So if I do this, you'll leave my family alone. For good, right?"

"That's what I said." replied the older pony.

Blade tried not to look as he shoved the revolver in his coat pocket.

"The first one's always the hardest." said Spectre, "But you'll soon learn. Let me know when you've managed to complete my orders."

"Just one tiny question..." began Blade, "Who is the guy you want gone? What'd he do to you?"

"That's not important." Spectre replied evenly, "Simply do as I say, when they open the door, point and shoot."

"But what if I get the wrong pony?" asked Blade.

"Trust me." growled the yellow-eyed pony. "You won't get the wrong pony. They live alone, it'll be easy."

"If you say so..." Blade sighed, and went out the door.

Spectre rubbed his hooves together and smiled... "Finally, the little thorn is removed." he let out an evil cackle. Life was good.

~*~*~*~

"Now leaving Starlight Hollow" a sign said.

Blade sighed sadly, he was leaving the only home he'd ever known for some dingy little hotel in Dream Valley. He tried not to think about what he was about to do, he was about to completely obliterate someone's life. Someone whom he didn't know, and who had never done anything to him.

He wondered why Spectre didn't tell him who the pony he was going to knock off was. What if he left someone without a mate? Or without a Mom or Dad...? What if he was going to assassinate royalty??? Oh God... and what if he got caught? What if this was all a big setup to get Spectre off the hook?

"Alright," he thought, "I'll go to the pony's house and just see who they are." he said to himself. But the more he thought about it, the more it sickened him.

If he killed the pony that opened that door, then the next bullet was certainly going to be for himself. He'd always heard that the penalty for murder was hell... there'd be no use in dragging out the trip there, right? He couldn't do this. he. just. couldn't. do. this. "Enough." he thought, "I won't have to do this..." and with that he hatched a plot.

~*~*~*~

Hours later, from a back-road on Route 9, a phone call came.

"Hey, Mom?"

"Blade! You're alright! Where are you?"

"Listen, it's not really that important where I am. Just... do me a favor, alright? If Spectre comes to the house... tell him I'm gone. Dead gone. Okay?"

Magnolia quelled in fear over the phone, "Blade, is he badgering you again? Because I can-"

"No, please Mom. Don't. Okay? I'm not really gonna be dead, but it'd be sooooooo much better if you pretended I was."

"Alright... When will I hear from you again?"

"When I get where I'm goin', Mom. I promise you, I'll be okay. I-I'll see you again, okay?"

Not wanting to upset her son, Magnolia complied. "Alright Bladey, I love you."

"Love you too, Mom. Bye... don't forget what I said. Tell the others too, okay? And tell Silver I said to be good."

His Mother chuckled, "Alright dear, bye."

"Bye..." he said, hoping that the next time he talked to his Mother, everything would be okay.

The next call was placed to Spectre. This one was going to be incredibly more tricky. Blade had a plan... although, it wasn't an easy plan. But the emotions he'd went through on the bus were more than enough to fuel the call he was about to make. He pressed speed dial and waited for the his soon-to-be-former Boss to answer the phone.

"Hello?!" Spectre sounded irate.

"H-Hi..." faltered Blade.

He heard Spectre groan from the other end, "Don't even tell me you couldn't do it."

"No..." squeaked the white pegasus, who was finally letting his emotions collapse.

"Oh dear... you actually did it, didn't you boy?" asked Spectre, who seemed shocked.

"God I've just ruined somebody's life..." he sobbed, trying to make it sound convincing.

"Blade, I can assure you-"

"Shut up!" he yelled, "You're not the one who had to do it! You're not the one who had to listen to somebody begging for their life!"

Spectre was quiet for a moment, "No, but I think I understand what you're going through. Just come back, and I'll take care of everything."

"No." Blade growled. "I'm gonna do myself the same favor that I did them. I'll save you a seat in hell, Spectre."

"Blade, listen to me, don't you dare-"

Blade threw the phone on the ground, whipped the revolver out of his pocket, and blasted it to pieces.

He crushed the remaining pieces of the phone with his hoof. "Now then Spectre, you get yourself a new hitman. I won't be doing your damn bidding."

~*~*~*~

A/N: Don't worry, Bladey's not actually a hitman. You'll see in the next installment. ;D He just double-crossed Spectre. Bwaha.

-§parky

[sparkler]

~*~*~*~

"I just never thought it would happen..." thought Sparkler.

"My little sister, getting married. To a rich guy, no doubt. Married before me... oh well, she's always done stuff before me. Yet, I'm the older sister here. Hm, how do you figure that? Oh well, I guess I'm the Leah to Powder's Rachel." she sighed as she put the last of her sister's things away, and tried not to think about how her own happy ending had been cut short.

"She's probably in that huge mansion, living it up... telling her servants where to put all those wedding gifts... hah. You're kidding yourself Sparky. This is the life, all by yourself, no one to bug you, no one to boss you around when you stay up late at night, no one to criticize what TV you watch, no one's standards to 'live up to', no one looking over your shoulder, no one peeking in to see if your okay, no one to share dumb secrets with, no one to have a chocolate marathon with, no one to talk to..." her thoughts trailed off.

"I am not crying again." she growled at herself, "I've already let loose once and it's no use. Powder's happy and it's not as if she's not a phonecall away. Besides, I wouldn't want to disturb her right now... she's on her honeymoon. She said to call her if I needed to talk... but no. This is her time. She doesn't need big sis hovering over her now..." she sighed.

"She doesn't need me..." The overprotective big sister in Sparkler rose up and wanted to kick Iczer in the butt for taking her sister away momentarily... but that urge was quickly quelled. Iczer was a nice guy, rich, well-mannered, perfect gentleman, all you could ask for in a mate. And if all she wanted to do was kick his butt for making her sister happy... well... that was a pretty dumb reason.

Sparkler picked the want ads up off the table, "What I need is a roommate." she said quickly. "I'm not really used to being totally by myself, and it's been two weeks. A few days by yourself is fun, but then it starts to eat at you." she sighed softly, "And here I am, the biggest advocate of independence, depending on someone else to reclaim my sanity..." She shrugged, flipping through the newspaper

"Oh well, I can always blame it on a moment of weakness. That's what female lightening elementals are supposed to be, right? Impulsive? Always torn between the two signs ruling them, the fire and the light. Yeah yeah... buncha hokey I know. Heh, whatever... I just need a roommate... now."

All of a sudden there was a loud scream and a huge crash outside...

~*~*~*~

Blade had dropped by the house he was sent to, just to see who the pony he had spared was. Not to get to know them or anything, but just to maybe pass by their house and see if he saw them out. He didn't know what compelled him to walk up that driveway, but he did. He had no business there, truth be known, he had no business in that town or in that pony's yard... but... he just wanted to see. See what he had almost completely destroyed, and maybe, he could be glad that he had left it that way.

The way the yard looked, it looked as if it might need some maintenance, and maybe a little watering. "If this is a little old lady's house, I'll kill Spectre myself." he thought, gritting his teeth. He noticed the garage door was open, the car was new, if rather small.

"Definitely not an old lady," he analyzed, "Little old ladies don't drive sports cars, especially not tiny little convertibles." It was a cute car, even if it didn't have any room at all in it. He saw windows... yes, windows! He could finally see that he'd done a good deed! He walked up, ready to look inside when something tugged on his pants leg.

He looked down, his eyes widened, he gaped... no... no it couldn't be.

"Hi!" the small lump of fur said in a cheerful, yet raspy voice. The little devils! Bushwoolies! They'd followed him all the way here! The only thing Blade could do was scream...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

As if in reply to his scream, the door flew open and out rushed a blue Unicorn, her eyes flaring with determination, flickers of lightening spiraling around her horn, "Alright," she demanded, "What's wro--WHO ARE YOU?!" her anger and annoyance quickly turned to fear and surprise.

"I-I..." Blade's tongue was tied, his jaw dropped... this was whom Spectre wanted to annihilate? This beautiful creature? Why on earth would anyone want to kill her?

"Hello, I'd like an explanation sometime this year!" she demanded, tapping her hoof.

Blade fought to find his tongue, his name was beauty and she was bladeiful, right? No. "Pull yourself together, stupid!" he chastised himself.

The Unicorn rolled her eyes,"Alright, sweetie, I'd love to give to the deaf-mute charities but..." she trailed off and then started signing with her hooves, "I already gave at the office."

Finally Blade came out of his semi-coma and introduced himself, "I... no, I'm not.. uh, sorry. I can talk, I promise!" he chuckled lamely.

She just shrugged, "Alrighty. Now tell me, who are you?"

"M-My name's Blade."

"Then... why is your symbol a trowel?" she asked.

Blade winced, his symbol was always mistaken for a trowel. "It's not. It's a dagger."

"Could've fooled me." was her response, "But I guess it takes all kinds to make a world. Just look at me, I’m a lightening elemental with a diamond for a symbol. Name’s Sparkler, by the way. So tell me Blade, what're you doing in Dream Valley?"

"I..." he didn't exactly have an explanation. "Well... I'm new here. Just... sort've-"

"OH! You've just moved in???"

"Not exactly moved in. Not yet at least."

"Poor guy..." she thought, "All alone and nowhere to live yet?" she looked him over, and had to smile. He was backed up against her car, trying his best to get away from the large, dark grey, bushwoolie that was looking him over.

"Say, he's not the pony you hired to do your lawn, is he? If so, he cut a swath in my mate's begonia's that she's still wailing about-"

"Whoa now... he's not the one that did it, I did."

The bushwoolie raised an eyebrow at her, "You know," he began, "Iczer was a lot more careful!"

Sparkler rolled her eyes, "I know he was, but the lawnmower got a little out of control and it was either run over your wife's begonia's or wake up a nest of yellow-jackets!” snapped Sparkler irritably. “I'm allergic to bee stings, so I took the smart route!"

"Alright, but don't let it happen again!"

"Fine, fine..." she sighed, watching the bushwoolie walk away.

"Wh-What's his problem?" stuttered the white peg.

She giggled, "Oh... that's the Great Bushwoolie. He lives in my back yard and he's always getting on me because I happened to take out a few of his wife's precious begonias. Dear God they need kids. She's way too attached to those damn flowers."

"Uhhh... sounds like it..." Blade laughed nervously. "D-Do you know any place I could stay?" Anything to get away from that horrible, dingy hotel room Spectre had set him up in.

"You could always stay at Dream Castle, but it's a little crowded, obviously. But that is the place where most new ponies stay. I'd suggest Paradise Estate, but... no."

The white peg looked incredulous, "Why not?"

"Um, well... let's just say it has very ill repute, from what I hear."

"That's okay." Blade replied. He'd had enough of the ill-repute to last a lifetime. Right now he just needed somewhere safe.

"I could go see if my old room in Dream Castle is vacant, wanna come with me?" she offered.

"Sure!" he replied. "She sure is helpful..." he thought, smiling.

"Okay, hang on, I'll just get my purse." she answered, trotting back inside.

"Thanks!" he called after her. "Now why on earth would Spectre wanna kill her?" his final thought sobered him. "At least I made the right decision..."

[sparkler]

WARNING: This one is rated R+ (I made it up but I think it's a good one) for some mild sexual references... ^_^;;; No, no, nothing that will make you go blind, just the mention of it. Sorry! ^_^;;

~*~*~*~

Unfortunately... the trip to Dream Castle was a bust.

"Filled up? What do you mean you're all filled up, Truly???" Sparkler asked, "Just a week ago you had a ton of rooms available!"

"Sweetie, your forgettin' somethin'." she replied. "It's tourist season! You know how many ponies migrate here for the annual carnival!"

Sparkler winced at the mention of that carnival. "Well... I know that, but I thought I'd told you not to give out my old room until you'd notified me!"

"We did notify ya, sweetheart. About a week ago. Remember that letter with the blue seal you got on it?"

"Ummm... I thought that was just a rent notice?"

"That too. It told you that somebody was occupying the room. You didn't say anything about it, so we just assumed you complied. That's our policy."

Sparkler sighed, "So there's absolutely nowhere for this poor guy?"

"I don't think so, pretty. I'd say you could go over to Paradise Estate, but they're fumigatin' over there again." Truly explained.

Sparkler sighed, "Code for 'week-long orgy', right?"

"Youuuu betcha."

"Figured. Oh well... I'll just have to tell the guy he can't stay here... damn."

Truly shrugged, "Why don't you let him stay over at your place?"

Sparkler started to laugh, "Ohhh no. Do you know how many rumors would get started that way?"

Truly just smirked, "Sparky, what's the odds of an available guy showin' up on your doorstep outta the blue? Even if it does get rumors started, it's bound to happen sometime."

Sparkler blinked, "You... think so?"

"Sweetheart, it's plain to see he has a thing for ya. Even if you have just met him."

"Truly... he might just have a good personality. And besides, I don't know if he's available or not. Plus... what if he swings the other way?"

Truly laughed, "You certainly thought of everything, didn't ya darlin'? Trust me, he doesn't swing the other way."

"How can you tell?" asked Sparkler.

"Not that great a fashion-sense."

Sparkler looked him over... "You're right."

Meanwhile, Blade was sitting in the lobby, trying his best to pass the time. He looked around, the castle was possibly the strangest thing he'd seen in his entire life, it was a bright petal pink on the outside. Only to give way to a paler, more dusty rose inside. It was accented with blue outside, but inside, the accents were emerald green marble, with silvery-white veins running through it. Whomever designed this castle was obviously a very good interior decorator.

He looked over at a large cabinet... the most sacred objects of ponyland were held there on display. The rainbow of light in the middle of them all. Some were ancient tapestries, the others were magical relics of some sort. The 'first' Unicorn's horn, hooves of various healers, scales of the dragon of the battle of bittersweet, some hair from the first rainbow foal, lots of things. Not even a theif could get to them, for the glass itself was protected with a very powerful magic. Whomever tried to break the glass was turned to stone for 100 years, or so it was said. There'd never been a documented case, but no one was taking any chances. (A wise decision. He ran his hoof over the glass, absentmindedly.

"What're you doin'?" snarled a voice behind him. He turned around to find a much bigger male pony glaring at him.

"N-Nothing..." he replied, backing up against the case.

"You'd better not be, Peg." growled the yellow pony, advancing towards him. "Cuz if I catch you tryin' to filch anything in that cabinet, I'll tell Majesty and she'll throw yo're sorry peg butt in the dungeon so fast it'll make yer head spin, hollowbones--"

"TEX!!!" yelled the blue Unicorn. "My God do you have to scare every newcomer that comes in here???"

The yellow clyde growled, "I think if you'd look a little closer at that 'un, he looks kinda shifty."

Sparkler rolled her eyes... dear God could this guy be anymore obvious? "Just a second Bladey, me and Tex need to speak, alone."

Blade only nodded, whimpering a little.

Sparkler took the earthling behind a pillar and shoved him up against the wall, "You son of a pregnant dog." she seethed, "Why is it that every time I have a member of the opposite sex around me that a.) isn't already taken or b.) doesn't swing the other way, that you have a freakin' hernia? We were through a long time ago, Tex. I can take very good care of myself."

"Sparky, how long have you known this fella?" demanded the Clyde.

"That is not important, I'm simply trying to get him a place to stay!"

Tex smirked, "Yeah, and I'm sure he won't end up stayin' at your place, right."

"Tex, just because I made a huge mistake with you, doesn't mean I'm going to make the same mistakes with him. Besides, I don't even think of him in that way!"

"Well I'd hope you wouldn't! Damn varmint's got an L on his hoof. You know what that means, don't'cha? He's a throwback!"

Sparkler rolled her eyes, "My how I've missed you and your simple-minded ideas. Some ponies can't help the fact that they were born under an unlucky sign."

"Yeah, well you better stay the hell away from that one, is all I'm sayin'."

"Why, what're you gonna do? Hurt me? Been there, done that, Tex. I can hurt you back far worse, now." she hissed, electricity arcing around her horn.

"I don't doubt that, Sparky." he said quietly, "But you be careful."

"Wow, Tex, for a moment I actually thought you cared. Save it, bud. I can take care of myself." with that, the blue Unicorn stalked off.

Tex growled under his breath, "Damn that filly..."

~*~*~*~

"Wh-Who was that?" Blade asked on the way home from Dream Castle.

Sparkler sighed, "My ex, though he really shouldn’t count as one.

"Was that why he was so...?"

"Yeah. Generally, if he sees me out with someone who isn't taken or gay, he gets all defensive. He's mean like that, see. He can move on, but I can't. Though I don’t know why, it’s not like we were together that long! Whatever."

“If you don’t mind me asking... how long is not that long?”

Sparkler snorted. “Only two weeks. We fought 50% of that time, and the other 50% was just waiting for the next fight to erupt. Until one day he said he was through fighting with me... and hooked up with a flutter pony.”

“Ouch.”

“Feh, it’s alright. Better her than me. Though, poor girl, I hear she had to have major couch time afterward.”

"That bad, huh?" Blade asked.

Sparkler shrugged, "Yeah. He’s notorious for preying on the weak.” she muttered, rolling her eyes. “What an not a very nice person, eh?”

“Yeah.” chuckled Blade nervously. Something about the way she said that made him worry about the possibility of her finding out what he was originally sent there to do.

“Guess Tex isn’t the only not a very nice person in town.” he thought glumly.

She deserved the truth, but, Blade found he didn’t have the heart to tell her something so horrible. Not after she’d been so nice to him.

“I’ll tell you, Sparky...” he vowed silently. “Someday.”

As they came to the door of her house, she turned to him. “You really don’t have any place to go, do you?”

He shook his head, "I don't know anybody in Dream Valley, except you. Dream Castle's filled up, and besides, I get the message from Tex that I'm not all that welcome there anyway."

Sparkler patted his arm, "Tex won't bother you. And if he does, you just tell me. I'll zap his butt into oblivion." she assured.

Blade chuckled, "Thanks. But that's not helping me about a place to sleep."

She thought for a moment, what harm could it do? He seemed harmless enough, and besides that, she could always brag to her friends about having a male roommate. Not to mention he was a Pegasus, she had always had a bit of a thing for them, also, he was Twinkle eye, which meant Night Vision. On top of all that, she would have someone to talk to, which, relieved her more than anything.

Of course, this was just until he found his own place.

"Yano, I do have a vacant room. My sister just got married, so she's not gonna be using it anymore. If you wanna use it, it'll be fine with me."

Blade smiled, "Really? You'd let me?"

"Sure! I'll be right across the hall from you if you need me."

"Oh I need you alright..." was the peg's mental response. "But I won't act on that impulse." he reasoned with himself. He hated reasoning with himself, being a gentleman was a pregnant dog. "Thanks, Sparky." he said softly, touching her arm.

She smiled, "Don't mention it, peg." with that, the night ended.

~*~Excerpts from Starlight Hollow~*~

That night, Magnolia laid awake in her bed, wondering where her son was. Would he really call her when he 'got where he was going' or was that just a statement to make her feel better?

"Blade's never lied to me before..." she thought, "I just hope he makes it soon. I'm so worried about him..." and she was. She had reason to be too, Blade had the curse, just like his Father did. Lucky had died because of his tendency not to tie-up loose ends, would Blade die the same way?

She hoped not... Lucky had died a horrendous death, she didn't want Blade to be next. She would do anything for Blade not to be next...

"Shut up Maggie," she told herself. "That's what got you in this mess in the first place, isn't it girly?"

Spectre hadn't shown up that night. And she was hoping he wouldn't. That pony had bothered her ever since the day Lucky had died. He'd even been at his funeral, the bastard. He wasn't shedding any tears, no, what he wanted from her was the damn rent money. Every day of her life for 18 light-forsaken years that bastard had bugged her about things. If it wasn't getting the rent money on time, then he'd try to get involved in the children's life. Always wanting to shower them with gifts, spoil them so they'd like him. And then he'd try to charm her.

She would be damned if that ever happened, dating a powerful crime boss? Yeah right. Maybe if she were still 16 and had that wild streak, but no... that wild streak had gotten her into trouble way too many times. She was an adult now, a 40 year old adult with 5 children. She didn't need any more responsibilities. Besides, all that, 2 were basically free spirits, one she didn't know where the hell he was, one was trying to be the dutiful daughter, and her youngest was proving to be hell and a half to raise. His inheritant wild streak had kicked in a little early, at 12, surprisingly.

She heard a soft knock at the door... "Right on time." she thought to herself. "Come in..." she sighed. The grey Unicorn stepped inside, his face was a cross between solemn, and apologetic.

"Magnolia... I'm sorry."

She sighed, "It's alright Spectre... he called me, before he... died. Told me what he was going to do... he said it would be better this way, one less pony to worry about for me. I tried to stop him... but he said he'd see me later... and hung up. I don't know what pushed him over the edge, or why he did what he did... but I have a feeling that you're to blame, Spectre." she spat.

"Now tell me, what did you do to him? Or more importantly, what did you have him do?"

Spectre looked down, "Maggie, I... I had him take care of something for me. I... didn't know he was that unstable. If I had had any knowledge of his condition-"

"There was nothing wrong with my son until you got your hooves on him!" Magnolia snapped, her eyes narrowing. "What happened Spectre? Did he screw up? Did he not live up to your expectations? Did he actually keep his morals? Is that why you had him killed?"

"I did no such thing Magnolia! You have to believe me!"

"Why should I believe you? Every time something bad happens in this town, you're usually behind it in some manner or another! If you're not heading it up, you're recruiting the power that will! And what the hell is your fascination with my family, anyhow? You've already succeeded in getting rid of Blade, what are you going to do, Spectre? Get rid of us one pony at a time? Is that what you plan to do?!" her voice broke.

"What I wish, is that you would just leave us be from now on! You remember, I know things about you that could possibly bring about your demise. And for what you've did to us over the years, I would gladly see you rot in hell! So why don't you just try me?"

The grey pony backed up, his eyes wide. "Magnolia, I can assure you. I only have your family's best interest in mind. The only hope you've got left for normal children is Silver and Aria. They need a strong, male figure in their lives. Especially Silver..." his voice trailed off.

"Oh you would just love that, wouldn't you Spectre? Former Doormat seeing high profile Crime Boss? Oh yes, it would be perfect, wouldn't it? That way, I'd be in the same categories as the bimbos you always bring around, right? Let's get this straight, Spectre." she leveled, her blue eyes sending daggers at him.

"There has never been anything between us, there never will be. And one of these days, Silver will have a strong male influence in his life. Although it most certainly won't. be. you."

"You're hard to please, Magnolia." the grey Unicorn snorted. "A bad trait in a broodmare." he said darkly, stalking off into the night.

~*~*~*~

A/N: Spectre has a screwed-up relationship with Blade's family. One of these days it will all be explained. I promise.

This concludes part 1! Stay tuned for Part 2!

-§parky

[Marbletoast]

Hey Sparky. :3 I've actually read this before, long ago, but me thinks I shall read it again...

I was just wondering, while I'm reading along--do you want some little editing? I just see some comma things and what not that could be polished. I can read around them, of course, and still enjoy the story, but if you were looking to edit grammar, I could point out what I notice.

So does the fact that there are three parts posted means its complete? I know I haven't read it all yet--maybe just Part One--so that will be exciting. :3

[sparkler]

Sure, you could point out some grammatical inaccuracies. I used to be an english major but it's been so long since I was and I kinda dropped it to be a motion picture/television major anyway. XD

The Story is FAR from complete. o__o It's an ongoing effort. XD It'll be a long time before it's truly finished. This is just the beginning parts. Heehee. ^_^;; I'm working on Ch. 4, but I've been having a hard time creatively. >_>

-§parky

[Lili]

UUUUUH~! This was so interesting to read!~ *runs to read the other parts*

[Marbletoast]

Awesome, I don't think I knew you'd started with an English major. Or maybe I did...and forgot...>.> Er. Anyway, awesome. XD

And, ha ha, I know that feeling--the tons more to come feeling. <.<

This is just feedback for post one. @_@ I have to go to dinner. XD

I think you have nailed a very gripping first scene, and I think Blade's motives and plans are really interesting. They keep the reader involved. It could be even more gripping with some added intensity with more of Blade's struggle--a little more internal panic, dialouge, etc., but that's only a suggestion.

And just a few comma things:

You're to go to 1717 Star Hill, and when the pony in question answers the door. You're supposed to take this, and do what I told you to with it.

Comma after door, lower case "you"

"Wow, sounds like you actually give me a choice." replied Blade sarcastically.

This comment is actually for much of the dialouge. You always need a comma instead of a period when the spoken sentence is over unless the following clause is a complete and seperate sentence, or you use a question or exclamation mark, of course.

Blade sighed sadly, he was leaving the only home he'd ever known for some dingy little hotel in Dream Valley.

Period or semicolon after "sadly," or you have a run-on.

He tried not to think about what he was about to do, he was about to completely obliterate someone's life.

Another run-on with this comma; either a period or even a dash would work here.

Someone whom he didn't know, and who had never done anything to him.

And here I'd just suggest taken "whom" out and leaving "Someone he didn't know"

Just little things that don't actually effect the content of the story but will help it flow better. ^_^

I'm glad I finally get the chance to sit and read through this--I feel like I've known your characters forever but don't actually know their story!

[Marbletoast]

On to post two! ^__^

I like the set up for Sparkler. We see her not first in an strong and unbreakable light, but very realistic and "human" -- so to speak, of course. And the little interactions throughout this bit, with the Great Bushwoolie and what not, are so cute and amusing. XD And I totally like that Blade went to look to see who he was going to kill--it just seems like a natural thing for someone to do, to be curious and to make sure he did the right thing.

And a few more bitty grammar things:

she sighed as she put the last of her sister's things away, and tried not to think about how her own happy ending had been cut short.

No comma here, since the second clause is not a complete sentence. (Poor Sparkler. )

no one peeking in to see if your okay,

"You're" instead of "your"

"I'm not really used to being totally by myself, and it's been two weeks. A few days by yourself is fun, but then it starts to eat at you." she sighed softly,

Capital "she" after the end of the spoken word. In this case, unlike my comment up there, the words after the quotes are a complete and seperate sentence, so the period is correct, but the 'she' needs to be capitalized.

That's what female lightening elementals are supposed to be, right?

"Lightning" instead of "lightening"

The way the yard looked, it looked as if it might need some maintenance,

"Looked" being there twice is a bit choppy perhaps; "The yard looked as if it might need some maintenance" could possibly work instead, or something?

He noticed the garage door was open, the car was new, if rather small.

Run-on; needs a period after "open."

this was whom Spectre wanted to annihilate?

"Who" instead of "whom."

Blade fought to find his tongue, his name was beauty and she was bladeiful, right?

Ha ha ha!! Poor Blade. XD That's cute. :3 Period instead of comma after "tongue"--and maybe capitalize "beauty" and "bladeiful" even though they aren't real names? (Gooo Bladeiful!)

"Then... why is your symbol a trowel?" she asked.

XXD I love how, in the middle of a panic-there-is-a-man-in-my-garage, she pauses to wonder...

"Could've fooled me." was her response, "But I guess it takes all kinds to make a world. Just look at me, I’m a lightening elemental with a diamond for a symbol. Name’s Sparkler, by the way. So tell me Blade, what're you doing in Dream Valley?"

Again, comma with the quotations, and "lightning." Here, too, I just thought...that she got over the strange incident of a man in her garage very quickly? I realize she would get over it without much issue eventually--but he never really gives her a reason to get over it. Maybe he says he was lost, or thought he was at a different house, or was trying to sell encyclopedias...or just something so it doesn't seem Sparky's just ignoring the tresspassing, which doesn't seem like her. Maybe?

trying his best to get away from the large, dark grey, bushwoolie that was looking him over.

No comma after "grey"

And now...on to post three! ^__^ Well done, still enjoying it, despite the fact that I am not moving real rapidly. XD

[Marbletoast]

Finished Part One!!

Poor Blade has a rocky past. D: Here's to hoping someone gets the better of Spectre eventually--*clinkle*--and that Blade finally gets a break. ;3

I do have some grammatical things, and while it looks like a lot, they are all tiny. XD I feel very sorry for poor Blade's family, and...I can't wait to see how Silver factors into the story....<.< >.>

Truly shrugged, "Why don't you let him stay over at your place?"

Sparkler started to laugh, "Ohhh no. Do you know how many rumors would get started that way?"

Truly just smirked, "Sparky, what's the odds of an available guy showin' up on your doorstep outta the blue? Even if it does get rumors started, it's bound to happen sometime."

These three dialouge lines, along with several others, just have one tiny grammar mistake--the comma leading into the dialouge ought to be a period because the action described before is a complete sentence. For instance:

"Truly shrugged. 'Why don't...'" because you can't 'shrug' the words. She shrugs, and then she says the words.

He looked around, the castle was possibly the strangest thing he'd seen in his entire life, it was a bright petal pink on the outside. Only to give way to a paler, more dusty rose inside.

Run on and fragment. Period instead of comma after "life," take out the period after "outside."

but inside, the accents were emerald green marble, with silvery-white veins running through it. Whomever designed this castle was obviously a very good interior decorator.

No comma after "marble," "whoever" instead of "whomever"

scales of the dragon of the battle of bittersweet,

Generally, battle names are capitalized: Battle of Bittersweet. I like all the stuff in the cabinet. XD So creepy, and yet so...pony.

"You son of a pregnant dog." she seethed

This is from a filter currently on the site. You can't fix it, the admin has to, but I thought I'd point it out in case it doesn't get changed, and ou might want to replace "pregnant dog" with something else....

"That is not important, I'm simply trying to get him a place to stay!"

Period instead of comma

"Wow, Tex, for a moment I actually thought you cared. Save it, bud. I can take care of myself." with that, the blue Unicorn stalked off.

Capital "with"

Sparkler sighed, "My ex, though he really shouldn’t count as one.

Forgot the quotations at the end

“What an not a very nice person, eh?” / “Guess Tex isn’t the only not a very nice person in town.” he thought glumly.

Again, the filter at work here!

She deserved the truth, but, Blade found he didn’t have the heart to tell her something so horrible. Not after she’d been so nice to him.

Just random thinking--I can see certainly where he doesn't want to tell her he was going to kill her, but likewise, wouldn't he want to warn her that someone IS trying to kill her?

She thought for a moment, what harm could it do? He seemed harmless enough,

Just "harm" repeated here; maybe a different word could be used for "harm" or "harmless"?

Not to mention he was a Pegasus, she had always had a bit of a thing for them, also, he was Twinkle eye, which meant Night Vision. On top of all that, she would have someone to talk to, which, relieved her more than anything.

Period instead of comma after "Pegasus" and "them" and no comma after "which." It's always interesting to see what different takes there are on twinkle eyes! Night Vision were certainly be handy indeed...

being a gentleman was a pregnant dog.

Again, filter!

She had reason to be too, Blade had the curse, just like his Father did. Lucky had died because of his tendency not to tie-up loose ends, would Blade die the same way? She hoped not... Lucky had died a horrendous death, she didn't want Blade to be next.

Comma between "be" and "too," period instead of comma after "too" and "ends," and either a period instead of a comma after "dead" or add an "and" after that comma.

He wasn't shedding any tears, no, what he wanted from her was the damn rent money.

Maybe a dash after "no" instead of the comma--that would keep it from being a runon and wouldn't loose the impact you want. Spectre's such a jerk. Marg!

If it wasn't getting the rent money on time, then he'd try to get involved in the children's life.

"Lives" instead of "life"

She would be damned if that ever happened, dating a powerful crime boss?

Period instead of comma

You've already succeeded in getting rid of Blade, what are you going to do, Spectre?

Period instead of comma after "Blade"

And for what you've did to us over the years, I would gladly see you rot in hell!

"Done" instead of "did"

[sparkler]

I am going to be editing this thing a lot. XD Thankies, Marbs!

And why for did the board edit out my cuss-words??? D: Come on guys, my ponies are foul-mouthed! D: What happened?

-§parky

[Marbletoast]

Proboards had automatic filters that have to be turned off by the admin. It included everything that even COULD be a curse word. Admins have to go in and turn them off manually.

It's reeeeally frustrating sometimes, because even if the letters in the middle of a link or something FORM the "bad word" then it gets filtered....

[sparkler]

Aug 7, 2009 22:04:29 GMT -8 Marbletoast said:

Just random thinking--I can see certainly where he doesn't want to tell her he was going to kill her, but likewise, wouldn't he want to warn her that someone IS trying to kill her?

Just to answer this question--because it is a good one!

Blade is extremely misguided. He thinks if he stays around Sparkler, he can protect her, no explanation needed. He also has a thing about telling the truth... if it hurts too much.. he doesn't say it. It's sort of a family trait. Inherited from his Mommy. >_>;; It'll be elaborated on more soon. XD

-§parky

[Marbletoast]

Oh, okay, yea--it'll be interesting to see that develop. :]