The Elemental Guardian

[weirdraptor]

www.fictionpress.com/s/3019800/1/The_Elemental_Guardian

The new super hero story I'm working along with Chronicles. Please tell me what you think! ;D

[Al1701]

A good prologue. I think you gave us a good primer of her abilities. I assume your hometown had an influence on your choice of location. Things felt a little generic, but that's just because it's the prologue and you're introducing us to the fact this is a superhero story. However, I did like how S.W.A.T. was prepared for a superhuman meaning the police aren't completely useless. You'll have time for your heroine to establish herself once you actually start telling the story, so I'll probably have more incite then.

I should introduce you to a friend I have on TGWTG (whom I haven't spoken with in months.) He's the guy who created the Starbolts if you've heard of them. He might be a better reviewer of your work than I am.

[weirdraptor]

Thank you. Yes, it did. Also, there aren't too many superhero stories set anywhere close to the midwest. Granted, I will be taking the story to such places as New York and many other places, but to Chicago it will always return.
Yeah, I kinda knew it would be a bit generic, but as you said, my primary focus was introducing our heroine and her powers. All I have to say is thank God for my Mutants and Masterminds d20 rule book. It makes laying out characters like this SO much easier.
Yes, I fully intend to completely avert the "authorities are useless" trope. Of course, that doesn't mean they'll be equipped for quite everything that supervillains can throw their way.

Is your friend on FictionPress.com, too?

[sunstar]

Other then the occasional error here and there, it was really good. It reminds me of The Legend of Korra.

[weirdraptor]

Thanks. ;D

I'm not going to lie. Her powers are heavily inspired by The Avatar's, but I've had this idea in mind since before the original series actually ended. That I'm writing this now that Korra has begun is either a fortunate or unfortunate accident, depending on future reactions from other readers.
However, the origins and nature of her Elemental powers are different, as I will reveal.

[weirdraptor]

Chapter 1: Mostly Mundane: www.fictionpress.com/s/3019800/2/The_Elemental_Guardian

[Al1701]

A good setup chapter. You covered all the bases and well. How the general public would react to a new hero, our heroine and her family, and even some origin story. I've got a bit more to read of the first chapter, but it's looking good.

[sunstar]

Another good chapter! The van reminds me of my own first van. It didn't behave very good. Can't wait for more!

[weirdraptor]

Thank you, guys! I finished this thinking, "oh Lord, please don't let me have butchered this!"

Grr. That van. That horrible, horrible van. And that wasn't even the worse part of my first day of college. The best is yet to come.

[weirdraptor]

Elemental Guardian Character Stats:

Long story short, I got out my old Mutants and Masterminds Tabletop role-playing book to set up the framework for characters. Here's hers':

LVL: 10 (the normal base level for heroes using this system)

Strength 10
Dexterity 16
Constitution 10
Intelligence 10
Widsom 14
Charisma 12

(A '10' in characteristics=Average Human)

Melee 6
Ranged 8
Initiative 3
Defense 5
Speed 3
Damage 2
Fortitude 2
Reflexes 3
Will 2


Skills (+6 or higher=Trained)

Acrobatics (Martial Arts) +10 (DEX)
Concentration +8 (WIS)
Escape Artist +9 (DEX)
Hide +9 (DEX)
Listen +7 (WIS)
Move Silently +9 (DEX)
Profession (Chef) +8
Sleight of Hand +6 (DEX)

Feats

Accurate Attack
Aerial Attack
Assessment
Expertise
Improved Initiative
Move-By Attack
Rapid Strike
Whirlwind Attack

Super-Powers

Elemental Control (Wind) +10

Extras:
• Earth +10
• Water +10
• Fire +10 (Using “Energy Blast” Rules)

Power Points: 155 (+5)
Level 10 takes 150 points, but I went 5 over. Eh, I've never, in all my ten years using this RPG system, ever got 150 right on.

Other Stats:

Full Name: Lisa Ellison-Shirakawa.

Residence: Naperville, Chicago, Illinois. Later, Northeastern Illinois University.

Age: 18.

Weight: 106 lbs.

Height: 5’5”

Race/Ethnicity: Half-Japanese, Quarter-French, Quarter-German. Looks mostly Japanese, but her skin is on the lighter side of tanned.

Occupation: Student; Restaurant Cook and Waitress; Super Heroine (er, don’t tell anyone about that last part)

Fighting Style: Ninjutsu and Tae Kwon Do

Eyes: Dark brown.

Eye Sight: 20/20

Hair: Black.

Skin: Tan.

Build: Athletic.

Waist Size: 22

Interests: Spending time with friends and family, sports, exercising, video games, comic books, romance novels, bird watching, and camping.

Career Goal: Become a chef.

Dislikes: Jerks, perverts, insincerity, and injustice.

[weirdraptor]

Chapter Two: Second Outing: www.fictionpress.com/s/3019800/3/The_Elemental_Guardian

[Al1701]

College food really isn't that bad, at least not at Central. It's far better than what you get in High School. Though, they have to compete against the restaurants in town.

The only company you could sell this to is Hasbro. It's practically the Lucky Star to MLP's Suzimia.

So, Great Uncle is mad. I wonder when one of his goons will show up.

And 10? They didn't close up until 11 at Central and the door at the lobby is always open.

Good chapter. Nicole seems like a nice character. I'm also interested in what this nonfilter is. Smith is also something I'm wondering about.

[weirdraptor]

Yes, 10 PM, oddly. They might have changed since I left, but it was 10 when I lived at those dorms.
The food was okay. I just realized I forgot to touch on that, but hey, the fact that the girls were eating it without complaint shows promise I suppose.

I realize the story is off to a slow start, but it will be picking up next chapter.

Hmm. Getting stuck with Hasbro could be a very good thing if I try. If nothing else, I might end up with a decent Hub broadcast series.

Oh yeah, Great Uncle's pissed, and not without reason. I don't want to give anything away, but let's just say that what Koji did when he still had his powers was very, VERY bad.