Audition Script

[Al1701]

This is an audition script I wrote over the course of a week (since people working on FiM apparently can't even read non-FIM ponies.) This is instead based on another one of my ideas.

docs.google.com/file/d/0B60i6pK795HESDk4MkVBaTVWMUk/edit

Constructive criticism and proofreading would be greatly appreciated.

You're going to have to copy the address into your address bar until I figure out Google Drive.

[sunstar]

It looks really good, a fun read! Two small errors on the first page.

And expanse of pine forest: An expanse, or and expanses

my tall cyclone fence: My should be by.

I know the series this story comes from. I loved this series and still do!

[Al1701]

Thanks. I made the edits. My mom is also going to read through it.

Good to know there are other Futago Hime fans out there. This story is more based on the concept the series is based on than the series itself. The Gonts are from the concept. Though, their naming convention and simplified syntax are my ideas. I also think their smaller in the concept, but I needed them large enough to be a threat.

I was going to make a 2001 gag since they live with the Ukki monkeys, but it didn't fit well with the flow of the story and the script was long enough as it was.

As for the story itself, what did you like and where do you think I could improve?

[sunstar]

I thought it flowed well. I don't think you need to improve anything. The story is well thought out and executed.

[Al1701]

Oh good. Now I just need to get it to someone with any connections so they can see it.

[Al1701]

My mom and I went through it. I'll have the changes up later tonight.

EDIT: Or right now
docs.google.com/open?id=0B60i6pK795HESDk4MkVBaTVWMUk
Still have to copy address into address. GOOGLE!

[weirdraptor]

I like it. It was very good. Totally go for it, man.