An Original Script Looking for Critique

[Al1701]

I'm writing a completely original script I'm hoping to actually sell. Because of this, I'm not posting it anywhere but instead making it an attachment here. Please don't steal.

I'm looking for feedback through the process. I've gotten through the introduction of the main character, so I want to see what people think.

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[sunstar]

Two small mistakes, one by Arlene and the other by Spigot. In one of Arlene's lines, out should be our. There is a similar mistake in one of Spigots lines. They both are early in the script.

Other then that, it looks really good.

[Al1701]

Thanks. I corrected them.

The next block will be the introduction of the plot.

What do you think of the characters and set up so far?

[weirdraptor]

Looks good. Arlene and Spigot are very different from each other and I look forward to seeing how you expand on their characters. Now remember, if one company isn't interested, it doesn't mean another won't be. Just keep looking over your idea with a critical eye and don't give up. Plenty of scripts go through a lot of rejections for no good reason before getting picked up by someone. I know you know this, but I figured it'd be good for you hear it, anyway.

[Al1701]

Thanks.

I'm wondering if I should write the original Weather Makers of the Wonder Planet version of this and peddle it to Bandai first to see if they'll bite and then go with this if they say no.

[weirdraptor]

I doubt they'd touch anything an American wrote, sadly.

[Al1701]

That's what I'm afraid of.

However, Bandai does license several American brands like Ben Ten, Thundercats, and Power Rangers which is an Americanization of their beloved Super Sentai. So, I might stand a chance if I frame this as something for the American audience even if it's based on a Japanese concept.

[weirdraptor]

I wouldn't get my hopes up. I hate to be a hard skeptic, but this would be a difficult sell. Methinks you should try the original script first.

[Al1701]

My thought is George Lucas tried for Flash Gordon before he wrote Star Wars. If they reject, then I can take the germ of the story and wrap it in an original context. I really want to see the Wonder Planet get another chance after Sato killed it with Gyu! I don't even want to bring back the previously made series (because that would mean putting up with all that bullshit from Gyu!) I just want to make something with the concept.

I could possibly use some bargaining. Making it based on Futago Hime would mean Bandai would get it without question. However, I could pitch a completely original idea to anyone including their competitors and all the possible toy ideas that could come from this have nothing to do with the original Futago Hime concept. Obviously, I would have to approach this as a means to sell toys first and then get them interested in the story.

[weirdraptor]

Oh, I see. That might work. Good luck and let us how it turns out once you're ready to go.

[sunstar]

Rejections only mean its time to work harder.

Sometimes you may need to rethink parts of the script. I had to after my version of Nemesis Prime proved to be too dark.

[Al1701]

Sometimes there's nothing wrong with a script, it's just not what they're looking for. That's something I'm keeping in mind even though the idea is this follows the lives of the one class of citizen in the Wonder Planet who are the exact opposite of Fine and Rein.

[weirdraptor]

Yeah, it's not always cut-and-dry "there's something wrong with it". Sometimes it just means you have to keep trying to sell it to different potentialy buyers. If memory serves, Doctor Who got rejected a metric ton of times before BBC took it.

[Al1701]

Okay. The next block of the original script is ready.

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