NumiTuziNeru
Oneshot
a l?gp?rn?s j?rművem tele van angoln?val.
Posts: 286
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Post by NumiTuziNeru on Aug 8, 2009 7:03:44 GMT -8
i was bored.
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once upon a time in the
white field, white field
childish games in the
white field, white field
calling names, white field
nettles in the yarrow
poison in the morrow
tomorrow
never
once upon a time in the
red field, red field
hide-and-seek in the
red field, red field
frightened shriek, red field
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if you can make sense of this, you are a genius.
srsly.
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Post by Marbletoast on Aug 9, 2009 2:40:18 GMT -8
Wow, that was surreal and creepy.  No, I can't honestly say what its about. XD It does seem, however, to be clear enough in its imagery--white of innocence, children to emphasize the idea, and then a red field--a kind of destruction of innocence, maybe, especially considering the words "poison" and "frightened shriek" and of course "dead"....so if loss and destruction of innocence has anything to do with what you intended, that is as close as I can come. XD HOWEVER, meaning aside, the verse itself has a nice structure. I like the repetition of both words and structure, and the one rhyme in the middle to sort of hinge everything on. Lots of mirror-imaging going on, which has a neat effect with the idea of contrasting one thing with another. You have one "field" that seems quite delightful contrasted with this other "field" which seems quite horrific. With each parallel ("once upon a time" ; some sort of game ; something spoken or shouted) we see that these two places--real or otherwise--are connected, or perhaps the same. |
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Lili
Vignette
Realm-Creator
Posts: 187
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Post by Lili on Aug 10, 2009 5:19:47 GMT -8
Ok, I can make sense of it.... And it's gothic and creepy and... In other words, I LOVE this  |
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Post by Caelum on Aug 10, 2009 9:54:40 GMT -8
I can't make sense of this...and yet I can. Does that make sense? XD I like it. It's strange and sad and sort of...frightening? I'm not sure. And I have to agree with Marbletoast--it's very surreal, and seems to do with destruction or loss of innocence. Other than that...I'm not entirely sure. ENLIGHTEN US PLEASE, ANNA???  |
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NumiTuziNeru
Oneshot
a l?gp?rn?s j?rművem tele van angoln?val.
Posts: 286
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Post by NumiTuziNeru on Aug 11, 2009 5:52:43 GMT -8
i am afraid i can't enlighten you because i have no idea wtf was going on in my brain either D8
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Post by Caelum on Aug 11, 2009 6:15:12 GMT -8
...Well, I suppose I shouldn't be TOO surprised. That's how most stories/art/whatever come about anyway. XD
Still like it, though.
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