Nim and the Spider

[NumiTuziNeru]

REPOST NO JUTSU

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One day Nim came across a spider.
"Good morning, Madame," she said - for all Spiders are Madames, no doubt about that, and one does not forget one's manners with a Spider.
"Good morning, dear," said the Spider.
"It is a fine web you are making." Nim said politely.
"Ah - it is the fifth I've had to make today," said the Spider sorrowfully.
"No matter how many times I try, they are always broken!"
"That is terrible," Nim said, instantly feeling sorry for the Spider. " Why would someone break something of such beauty?"
The Spider simply sighed.
"I am an artist," she said sadly, "I create because I love to create."
Nim nodded gently.
"But to Men, I am a pest. They scream and shout and yell 'Argh! There's a spider on the wall!' and then they chase after me with a stick. It is all very distressing."
Both were silent, except for Spider's absent-minded twiddling.
"I understand," Nim said finally, "that you are chased away from your work by people who do not enjoy your company?"
"That is true, yes."
"Then perhaps you could make your creations somewhere where nobody goes?"
The Spider looked up at Nim, confused.
"Pardon?"
"Then you could create all you wanted, and the men wouldn't break them."
The Spider gave another sigh.
"I see you are wise, young girl. But you see..." she said, nodding appreciatively, "If I hide my work, who will be there to admire it?"
To this, Nim simply replied,
"If I create for the love of creating, I will have no need of people admiring my creations as long as I am happy with them. That's all there is to it."

[Marbletoast]

I really like the concept behind this, and I really like how it begins...but it still feels like it's in its first draft to me. A little TOO didachtic, a little too plain-to-see, or something. I don't come to final conclusion on my own; I feel more like you just panned it out for me. Not entirely--just like it needs a bit more polishing and refining. Like the audience needs to be allowed to draw the conclusion for themselves. Subtlety is lacking in this stage.

Also, a lot of adverbs telling us rather than showing us: politely, sorrowfully, instantly, sadly...I know you can do an amazing job with showing, because I've read the other stuff you've posted.

So I enjoyed it, especially the line, "One day Nim came across a spider. / "Good morning, Madame," she said - for all Spiders are Madames, no doubt about that, and one does not forget one's manners with a Spider." but it didn't feel like a final draft yet.

[NumiTuziNeru]

Meh, it WAS one of those 'oh-man-I'm-so-bored-I'll-scribble-down-the-first-thing-that-comes-into-my-head-and-kill-everyone's-braincells-MUAHAHA' things
Not to mention the idea was a children's story for a little girl I'm quite fond of

So yeah.

I'm not going to say anything else because I honestly am beyond caring about this at this point XD

[Lili]

Nice

I have some stories I wrote down a wile ago to share somewhere... I think I should try to dig them out

It reminds me of something, really x.x

I love spiders though they are awesome and pretty x.x

(unlike other bugs... though spiders are not bugs Dx )

Anyway, what was I talking about... Oh yeah, the story.

I like the idea of it, but it's kinda... strange. It is missing something, though I don't know what x.x

But still, great ^^