Where Bobdude Watchs MLP Tales

[weirdraptor]

Well, the best joke of the latest review was definitely likening the Tales Trio to the leads in GTA V. I can't believe I never saw it, myself, until you pointed it out! Hilarious!

[bobdude]

Thanks raptor! Had fun pointing that one out, plus between the Tale Trio I always thought that Dwayne Forge from GTA 4 and Shady from MLP N Friends would get along well, in as much as they would both bond over their complaining about their lot in life. Any other joke in particular stand out?

[bobdude]

So, got a week off from community collage before I go back to the grind mill, got myself a new Dell Inspiron 15 laptop. LET'S DO THIS THING! So saysth the fourth rate, third bit, deadman's version of Sun tzu! So this week's episode, The Impractical Joker, was written by a Mr. Buzz Dixon.

Who, sillyness of his name aside (seriously, name sounds like some sort of parody of the 1950s more than anything) I know did a good bit of work on GI Joe Real American Heroes (which I enjoyed) and I THINK the original Transformers cartoon (Of which I am indifferent towards. TF Prime is the only TF cartoon as far as I'm concerned)

So, will Mr. Dixon's episode be any good? Well there's only one answer to that folks, aside from watching the episode yourselves that is.

We start our episode off with a exterior shot of a yellow two story house with two window sill boxes and what I think is some sort of balcony thing under the three upper story windows. I think it's Melody's house but can't say for sure at this point. And it seems that our good friend Dazzle of PTV (I wonder if the Tales verse has a play on the “I want my MTV” slogan?) has come down with yet another case of exposistionitious.

Poor dear needs to take better care of herself or her green hair might turn the most awful of colors... DARK PURPLE! Also, apparently the Cleveland Bays are a 'chart busters' musicians. Eh, still better then the New Kids on the Block* So Dazzle goes onto explain that a contest has been held to date the Bay's lead singer, Chain Link and that the results will be up... tomorrow.

We then cut away from the TV to both Melody and Patch, who were apparently just hanging around and watching TV together. Neat. Melody remarks on Chain Link's 'gorgeousness' This along with Dazzle calling him a 'hunk of punk' and this being the part of the 90s that still had some of the 80's leftovers... leads to a very interesting mental image of what the good Mr. Link looks like. Spoilers: It's not pretty.

Patch comments on how Melody likes Chain Link, to which Melody replies with gusto that she 'LOVES' him with fangirlish glee that G4 Rainbow Dash would heartily approve of. And because I just finished King's Misery on my Kindle, I am now imagining a plus sized Melody. Melody let's out an adorable fan girl shriek that apparently makes her head spaz out and shake left and right for some reason. Mels, are you on some sort of medication?

So Melody gets up from her yellow pillow on the floor and turns off the TV, before asking Patch what would happen if Link actually wound up calling her.

Melody: What should I say? What should I wear?

Patch: (in an over the top southern American accent) Begin yer pardon Miss Melody, but we don't normally wear clothes.

Then, the door bell rings.

Patch: (playfully) maybe that's him.

Letting out another shrike of glee Melody opens the door only to find.... that it's Bon Bon. This is, depending in your point of view, either better or worse then having Chain Link randomly appear at your doorstep.

Turns out Bon Bon has some news of her own. Seems that the Cooking with Cupcake TV show wants to see a video of Bon Bon doing some baking. Bon Bon is over the moon with this, saying that she's 'going to be a STAR!'. I can't help but wonder when Mrs. Cake got her own TV show personally.... Or the ability to travel through the pony multiverse for that matter.

G4 Dash: So you've had one of those mirror portal things for years and you NEVER thought to tell anypony about it?

Cup Cake: You never asking deary.

G4Pinkie: WHOO! MULTIVERSE ROAD TRIP!

Meanwhile, in the 1990s, Patch remarks how her dad has a new video camera and how she'd be happy to do the video for Bon Bon for her.

Bon Bon says she'd be really grateful if Patch did, and Patch agrees.

Next scene is an exterior shot of the school house (the cartoon, not the pony forum you should totally check out when you have the time). Mrs. Hackney is talking about the different types of triangles (obtuse, isosceles, ect). From my hazy memories of high school algebra, it seems pretty solid. Then again math is hardly my strong point so don't quote me on that folks. Anyways, the on and off sentient coo coo bird comes out to do this bird thing when the clock strikes three, and all the little ponies come cantering out of the classroom, with Mrs. Hackney calling out that term projects are due on Monday and to enjoy the weekend.

So today was a Friday then? Good to know.

So we cut to later with Melody opening the front door, (looking back to Battle of the Bands the two story house is indeed Melody's. Good job at consistency everyone!) Turns out it's Chain Link! Melody is, surprisingly, completely in indifferent to her musical muse like idol calling.

Naw, just messing with you guys/gals, our favorite 90s rocker can barely contain her glee over the whole thing. She even asks if it's really him, this being the good old year of 1992, things such as Caller ID are still the twisted schemes of Hell.

Don't believe me? Check out their satellite dish system deal.
tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Film/StayTuned

But yeah, 'Chain Link' confirms that it is indeed him “The one and only Dreamboat” and Melody can barely contain herself at the thought of going on a date with him. (How OLD are these kids? Granted, I could ask the same of the Mane Six, (glares at their more child-like moments).

Apparently being compared to food (in this case 'Poundcake') is enough to set Melody off into a scream fest of pure and unadulterated fan girly glee. You know, would have thought that if any pony of the Mane Seven would have a food turn on button, it'd be Bon Bon, not Melody. But I digress (I do that a lot in these reviews, sadly I'm also quite the motor mouth in real life as well).

'Chain Link' tells Melody to cool her jets and Melody does so, though while sitting down and with a big grin on her face. 'Link' says that he hates it when his fans bug him (ah, the downside of being the famous. Fluttershy can relate bro. Fluttershy: Word.) so he wants their date to be 'private'.

Melody is fine with a private date (the potential creepy implications apparently have crossed no one's minds so far), just happy to all hell that she just gets a date with THE Chain Link (come on guys, CHAIN Mama freaking LINK!). 'Link' then suggests the clock tower (which hasn't been working since 1955 when it was struck by lightning in a freak weather storm and Great Scott went back to the future...) at 6 o clock on High Street. (I can only assume it intersects with Low Street at some point at the middle?).

Melody says she'll be there, and it's now that we see that it's Patch behind the call, using a towel to muffle her voice. Got to say, as jerk a move as this whole thing is for Patch, girl can do a dude voice pretty d**n well all things told.

No wonder she was cast as the Prince in The Plays the Thing. So Patch ends the call she lets out an impish laugh of naughtness, hopefully she won't be taking naughty lessons from Fred the Barber any time soon. Melody hangs up the phone and lets out another window cracking scream, and elsewhere in the multiverse: G4 Dash: You hearing that Twilight? Twilight: Hear it? I can feel it!

So we cut to Bon Bon's house, least I think it's hers what with the apple trees and all that, where Bon Bon is questioning if she really needs the big puffy hat thing or not. Patch insists, saying that it makes her look like a real chef and in no way ties into any sort of secret fetish of hers.**

So they start the camera rolling and poor Bon Bon hasn't rehearsed any of this, as she stammers and fumbles about the kitchen (on the upside she does look cute in the apron.... Don't look at me like that!). When she reaches her bowl in for a cup of flour, her hat flops over her eyes (for the record, Bon Bon is TRYING to make lemon margarine pie. The key word here is try.) for a moment before flopping it back up for better vision.

Strange things are a hoof in the kitchen of Bon Bon my friends.

So Bon Bon manages to successfully pour the flour into the big pie bowl, and then goes over to get some sugar, with a milk carton nearby (milk cartons in the Tales verse are green for all none of you out there who cared). You can pretty much guess what happens next, Bon Bon (who is apparently channeling all of Clover's unluckiness) knocks the milk onto the floor. Patch tells her to ignore the milk and go for the salt, only to go for more flour the moment the salt is picked up (Bon Bon also then toss the salt up into the air without a care in the world) and then to quickly squeeze the lemons.

As poor Bon Bon scurries about the kitchen, Patch snaps at her to hurry up and remarks that she's running out of tape. The pie gets put into the oven, though Bon Bon bonks her bon noggin on one of the hanging frying pans in the process.

Bon Bon glances at the camera (the in universe one that is) and says that while there might be a mess, the pie should taste great. Cue the pie burning up not a moment later. Seriously Bon Bon, how off ARE your baking skills today girl? Maybe Discord switched Bon Bon's baking with Clover's short term luck?

The pie is, needless to say, completely inedible/destroyed. While the animation might not show it, Chiara Zanni does give some dramatic (if maybe a little silly) 'Oh noes!' style reaction to the pie's fate. Poor lemon pie thing, we knew him well.

So we cut to the before mentioned clock tower, and it's pretty big looking. All tall, stone-like, and vaguely phallusy in structure. The camera pans down from the head- I mean, top tower to the open doorless arch way. Really, between the lack of a door that the thatched looking roof style, I can't help but wonder how old this clock tower is.

In the distance the cantering of hooves can be heard and we soon see Melody, who exclaims that she'll soon be late with her date with 'Link'. Melody dashes inside as she clambers up the stairwell, pausing part way at least twice (ah the wonders of recycled animation). Meanwhile the background music consists of flutes and xylophones and such (I THINK, couldn't say fer sure though man). Eventually Melody reaches the top of the tower, only to realize that her hunk of punk is in another clock tower on a DIFFERENT High Street. A certain Brooklyn/Italian plumber sympathizes greatly with your ordeal Mels.

She sees that Starlight is here for strange reason. There can be only ONE logical explanation here people. www.youtube.com/watch?v=KugBfqFNBGI That or Starlight is secretly Chain Link.

Turns out Starlight won the contest and date with ole Chainy as well. Huh. Apparently Chain Link is into the polygamous baby. Then Sweetheart comes in. Wait, so Sweetheart is Chain Link!?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdhhQhqi_AE

No, wait. That would be just stupid. I mean what's next? A G1/G4 MLP Crossover that spends more time with military guys and dorky square shaped giant robots then actual Dream Valley ponies? Pttth, as if anyone would think THAT'S a good idea. ***

Sweetheart can't help but ask where Chain Link is and it's at this point that Patch finally shows herself, sadly without the domino mask and big organ musical entrance.

Patch: (in her dude voice) Highya dollfacs.

Melody: YOU'RE Chain Link!?

M Night: (opens mouth before closing it and walks off) No. Just.... No.

It's at this point that Patch starts laughing her butt off at her victory prank, laughing so hard that she's pounding the wood floor with a front leg like a human would pound the ground (nice little bit of detail their animators!). Melody glares at Patch/the audience and says in a hurt voice that “This is the worst practical joke you've ever pulled!”

Don't know if I'd go THAT far Melody. I mean, it's not as if you've gotten the CPD (Coltenville Police Department) casing you guys down while cars and everything get smashed up and blown up and the like. But yeah, this IS a pretty low blow even for Patch. I mean really girl, it wasn't enough you had to prank Melody but you added in Sweetheart and Starlight as well? (in Fairness Sweetheart seems to be made of tougher stuff then She Who Flutters with the Shyness). Bad show Patch, bad show I say.

Patch, however, just keeps laughing her tale off to the point that she rolls over on her back, insisting that this is the best prank she's pulled yet.

Her friends are, needless to say, NOT happy with her.

Patch: I thought you were going to bust a gut running up those steps.

Starlight: Patch we're going to bust you!

Because nothing says friendship like beating the tar out of one another. What? It works in Shonen stuff don't it?

Patch tries to get her friends to lighten up and says that it was all in good fun (not sure if she's crying from laughter here or sweating from the worry of potential physical pony punching. God I love alliteration), but the glares from Melody, Sweetheart, and Starlight show that no, Patch, they don't think your prank was 'all in good fun'.

So we cut to Monday, where Mr. Hackney congratulates the class on their term projects, apparently going so far as to give them all bedroom eyes at 4:48. Bright Eyes is the first up, with a video explaining the Vander shire theory of force in relation to molecules. Have no idea how accurate that science is, but given that I hold both religion and science is roughly equal disinterest and apathy, I'll give Tales the pass here. But shock among shocks, Bright Eyes' video has been replaced with Bon Bons baking mishap (It's the video of Bon Bon with Bright Eyes narrating over it). So as you can guess, the class breaks out laughing and both Bright Eyes and Bon Bon are HUMLIATED.

So apparently Patch is pretty decent at video editing. But skilled editing or not that was still a low blow Patch!

So with everyone of the Mane Seven having been pranked but Clover (and that I think is more because, well, pranking Clover isn't a hard thing to do and isn't much of an accomplishment) they meet up at the Tales version of the Max from Saved by the Bell, the Rainbow Beauty Salon. Starlight offers up ice cream in an effort to lighten the mood, but none of the other mane six seem interested. You know things are bad when even Bon Bon isn't interested in the food.


Melody remarks that Patch needs stopping while Bon Bon adds that she (patch) needs a taste of her own medicine. Bright Eyes, being the brains of the group, says she has a plan.

So we cut to what I can only assume is later that same Monday afternoon, where Patch is walking in the middle of the cobble stone street (kinda dangerous, though in fairness I don't think we ever see any small town traffic or cars freely whizzing about in the show, still odd though) and whistling a vaguely militaryish tune while a snare drum beats in the background. Bright Eyes, who is acting as lookout near some metal trash cans as a gust of wind is blowing, gives the heads up to Patch's approach.

We then see Sweetheart putting the last adjustments on the ole “bucket hanging over a door ledge” routine, only this time it's a hole in an fence.

GAH! DEAR GOD, NOOOO!!!!

…

Sorry about that everyone, just got one wicked flashback to 'Hole in the Wall' (shutters at the memory).

So, ponies, Patch being a pranking mad mare about the whole thing. Revenge. Right, so as Sweetheart goes to join the others behind the fence, we see Patch continue her military march as she leaves the town and is now is a mossy forest area. She then looks down and sees an arrow, then realizing that her entire life is nothing but a computer game and that she and her friends are mere digital avatars.

Just messing with ya, she looks down at the arrow and is intrigued, as it's not every day you see an arrow on the ground. Having no doubt played her fair share of click adventure games, Patch follows the arrow (the military number now being replaced by what I THINK is a triangle with a very 'circusy' like vibe to it) until she sees the hole in the... FENCE (twitches) with a bunch of white arrows pointing towards the hole.

Patch comments on the interesting nature of the fence hole and Clover, Sweetheart, and Bon Bon all let out a shared Dennis the Menace levels of mischievousness giggle. We hear the bucket falling down and the three of them all walk around and shout “GOTCHA!” but that quickly turns to confusion when they see that Patch is completely unscathed. Turns out she used a stick to activate the trap.

Patch tells her friends that they were basically close but no cigar, and that it will take a lot more then that to best the Princess of Pranks (this being my unofficial nickname for Patch) and how no one can sucker her. Patch starts walking off and we see some blades of grass blowin' in the wind and its here that we get the song of the episode, “Practical Jokes”.

It's not a bad song all things told, beats nice with some vaguely trumpet parts thrown in a points and it does give a certain circus performer vibe to it. As for Patch's behavior in said song, I think it raises some interesting implications for her character. Both the song and, really, this whole episode has been how Patch doesn't know/care that she's gone to far with her pranking.

Now we know from the Masquerade episode that Patch puts a lot of effort into being silly and making others laugh, but since she's ten it also makes sense that she hasn't quite wrapped her head around the whole 'boundaries' concept. So that's all I have to say on that, one very interesting thing to note about the song is this gem of a line: “Hey who swiped our burgers and Cokes?”

So let's see, we have both meat eating (fair enough, ponies are omnivores I think) and of all things, Coke as a part of Tales canon. How very odd, and yet still better then something like Ponpsi (Pepsi and pony). Eh, I find the Coke implications in this universe to be too amusing to raise a big fuss over.

So saysth the fourth rate, third bit, deadman's version of Sun tzu!

But yeah, once Patch finishes her song for the episode (don't know if this is low level reality warping or just day dreaming or what) we see her still in the forest as what looks like a Flying Saucer zooms over head.

Patch: A Flying Saucer! I always knew they existed!

Why do I get the feeling that the Tales version of the History channel's slow decay to it's modern state can be placed at Patch's front hooves?

So our future UFOologist runs after it only to skid to a stop when she see's the UFO in all it's metal glory. And then two aliens come out, dressed in purple capes and wearing fish bowl-like helmets. (incidentally before all this Patch is slowly approaching the ship before them come out, and when they do she runs away a bit. Just a funny little detail I thought I'd mention) Huh. 1950 B movies had it right in the end. Well I'll be a pony's uncle. And they talk like Yoda. No, seriously, they talk like Yoda.

Apparently the great Jedi Master had relatives.... and their ponies.... I guess that makes Yoda the deformed weirdo of the family?

So Yoda 1 and 2 ask if Patch is indeed Patch, and Patch says that she is and adds that she always wanted to meet Martians.

Patch: You ARE Martians, aren't you?

Depends on if they work for the Warlord of Mars I'd say.

They reply that they are indeed Martians and they've been studying Ponyland and know that Patch is the smartest pony in Ponyland. Well, smartAlecest pony if nothing else... Patch is, of course, pleased at being considered the smartest pony in Ponyland, though she has enough modesty to admit that she's at least “One of the smartest”.

As as Yoda 1 and Yoda 2 walk Patch back to their ship, they go on to explain that their planet is in grave need of her big brain. Patch says that they must be in some big trouble if they need her help and she accepts. But Yoda 1 (or two depending on how you look at things) says that Patch misunderstands, they don't need her. Just. Her. BRAIN!

(Also, while walking up the ramp we can see that Yoda 1 and 2 have a blonde and dark blue tale. As Patch would say, very interesting).

Patch apparently has watched enough horror films to see where this is going and quickly backpedals, saying that she isn't that smart and that she's failing everything class wise, all the while walking towards the back door of the very empty ship until-

SPLASH!

Patch falls out the door and into a pool of water!

It's at this point that everyone pops out and exclaims “GOTCHA!”

Patch is not at all happy at having been pranked herself but Starlight turns her own words back to her asking if she can't take a joke. Patch then asks how such a Scoobe doo level of prank was even pulled off in the first place. Turns out the rest of the Mane seven KNEW that such a lame prank from before would ever take Patch by surprise, but they did know it would make her thingyy, thinking that they only had one (very lame) prank in their arsenal.

They then borrowed a remote controlled flying scarcer from Teddy (why he has one is anybody's guess) while they made the ship out of cardboard. Cardboard, incidentally sounds a lot like metal in the Tales verse. Patch then admits that the prank was pretty good... for beginners (May god help us if she and G4 Rainbow and Pinkie team up with one another) and then starts adding suggestions on how to improve it, missing her friend's point completely. Also apparently Star Wars are a thing in this universe as laser swords are mentioned as one of the improvements.

Wait a tick, Star Wars... The muppet babies made that quick appearance in And the Winner is, both of which are owned by Disney. Disney XD is airing Craig Mccrackin's new show Wander over Yonder, which has Lauren Faust working on it. Faust did the 4th Gen of MLP. The Season 4 final had the G1 villain Teirk appear. G1 MLP had Megan, Molly, and Danny, all of whom came from the same world as Gi Joe, which was showed to shared the same universe as Transformers and Jem with that reoccurring reporter guy for 20 questions.

Jem and the holograms is getting a live action movie and one of the guys who did that one live action Joe movie,which was sort of implied to take place in the same universe a Bayformers. Shia Lebuff played Indiana Jones son is the perfectly solid B+ movie Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Aliens are in that movie because its the 1950s. The ET aliens had that random Senate Pod in the Prequels, Yoda was shown to be a thing in the Halloween of the E.T. Movie which came out roughly the same time as G1 of MLP did... There can be only one logical conclusion from all this folks.

Patch has www.youtube.com/watch?v=KugBfqFNBGI

But yeah, that was the Impractical Joker and all things told. I liked it. May have shown Patch in one of her more 'worse' moments, but given that I'm the sort of sick twisted weirdo who like's Merriweather's MLP episodes because they're willing to take a spit into the whole 'Utopian Equestria' idea and show our characters as flawed folks is aokay in my book). That, and she IS ten after all, I'd like to think that had Tales gone on Patch would have eventually learned the whole boundaries thing sooner or later.

So next week we head once more back into the year of my birth as we cover that devastating period of carnage known simple as “The Great Lemonade Stand Wars” of 92'.

So next time I've got just one question for you: Where were YOU in 92?****

*Bob Dude has never listened to any of the Kids music and neither knows nor cares if they're any good.

** This has been your daily dosage of PatchBon shipping.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3rhQc666Sg



*** Bob Dude, for the record, has nothing against the Elements of Harmony and the Savior of Worlds. He's just very indifferent towards it is all.

**** Yes I have read my fair share of Discworld novels, why do you ask?

[bobdude]

MLP Review 12

So, let's dust off that ole police box and once more head back into the year 1992, where we'll be reviewing the 12th MLP Tales episode "The Great Lemon aid Stand Wars" penned once more by George Arthur Bloom. Small aside here but if Bonnie Zacherle can get Alicorn fanart love, then where's some Bloomicorn love people? Seriously, he could have a 80s Word Processor for a hip symbol/cutie mark or something. 

Oh well, my fanish grumbling aside we open our episode up with a partial shot of the Berryington house (quite a nice background shot of the place actually) before moving in on the Mane Seven's tea party house. Six out of seven of the girls are playing a rousing game of 'pony in the middle' between Bon Bon and her much beloved diary. Why are they doing this? Because its 1992 and they have to do something to keep themselves occupied after they've had their fill of tea parties and the like. 

(now dressed in a 70s era yellow sports announcer suit)

Folks, Starlight has the book and blocking Bon Bon quite well- and now she passes it to Melody who- I DON'T BELIVE WHAT I AM SEEING HERE, Melody has passed on both Patch and Bright Eyes and instead throw the book to Clover, I repeat, thrown it to Clover. It's a heck of a risky move it, in trusting the book-ball to a starting line rookie like Clover. Let see how it- *cue Clover smashing into the shelf with all their tea set stuff, shattering it all into millions of tinny tiny crackly little pieces* Well, that backfired horribly. You know what they say folks, some times you make the touch down, other times you smack into the goal post- er- tea set self as the case may be....

The girls are naturally dismayed at the fact that their now down one tea set. Melody blames Clover, but Clover says that she (Melody) threw it too hard. Bon Bon than points out (as she angrily snatches her diary back) that they wouldn't be in this situation if they hadn't decided to tease her in the first place. Bright Eyes agrees, saying that all of them are to blame. 

Now, this scene may or may not ruffle some manes and coats depends on how serious you're willing to take your ponies. Personally, doesn't bother me any, but than again I'm the guy who doesn't think that what Discord pulled in the season 2 opener counts as mind rape, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt. Look folks, was it jerk thing of the rest of the mane seven to tease Bon Bon like that (and depending on how you look at it, out of character?) 



Yes, but it's not as if the universe rewarded them for doing it in the first place, what with the broken tea set and all. And secondly, as I've stressed MANY times before, these characters are children. Children of an ambitious age to be sure (though it's not as if MLP has a history of giving any of it's characters well defined names) but children nevertheless. Kid morality and adult morality are not comparable people, not saying that it excuses everything they do mind you, but it's just something to try and keep in mind. Thirdly, this whole 'teasing Bon Bon' thing is just the episode starting point, an excuse plot point in other words. Try not to over think it too much, okay? (Only reason I bring all this up is so I can nip any would-be complaints in the bud before things get awkward)



Now with that bit of preachy heavy hoofedness out of the way, back to the episode in question. 



Sweetheart suggests gluing the tea set back together with some stick forever glue (no idea if that's just Sweetheart breaking out her mad rhyming skills or if that's the actual name of the glue brand) but Starlight shakes her head saying that they'll have to buy a whole new tea set while the rest of the mane seven look all adorably sad. 



We then transition to outside what I can only assume is some sort of china/tea set shop thing, with what looks like a red bug car across from it and a pink and blue pony looking at a different store window while wearing the red and orange hats. And apparently fire hydrants are black in the Tales verse. Just felt like pointing that out.



So we cut to inside the story where the Mane Seven are looking about at all the (no doubt expensive) tea sets and plates and stuff. Clover then calls for the rest of them to come over to a particular set and points out that it has 'little ponies all over it.' As one youtube commenter pointed out on mlpfan's video (before all of them were taken down sadly), that is sort of like saying 'This tea set as little humans all over it.' Amusing, but a good point (then again maybe tea sets do have little humans on them, don't drink tea that much so I wouldn't know).



Sweetheart, predictably, loves it and suggests getting it, while both Starlight and Clover have sort of 'meh' looking expressions. Patch seems to be pretty into the set though. Starlight, being the group's leader, can't help but wonder how much a set like that will even cost. 



Light blue maned-scarf wearing store owner pony (no idea who voices her) comes up from behind them and says the set is 200 Jangles. Clover is so taken back by this crazy (by 1992 standards, thing would probably be like, 1000 Jangles nowindays) that she accidentally knocks a plate that Patch was holding and looking at into the air. Thankfully it's Patch to the rescue as she leaps into the air in a dramatic/somewhat overthetop manner and catches the plate just as it's about to hit the floor. 



Good thing too, last thing the girls need is to have to replace yet ANOTHER tea set (also, Clover, just how LONG are you going to let you hate boner for tea sets simmer like this? LET IT GO GIRL! Just, let it go already). 



Everyone rightly praises Patch's quick reflexes but China-Store-Pony (come up with your own names for her people, can't think of everything here) quickly snatches the plate back. Can't honestly say I blame the mare really. She then asks (in an amusingly snooty sort of expression/voice tone) if the Mane Seven want to buy the set.



So we get yet another fade scene transition as the girls pool all their saved up piggy bank monies together. Turns out they only got 67 Jangles and need 133 more to get the set (and yes, Tales Jangles do indeed have pony heads on them ^^). And apparently Sweetheart has a giant Valentines Day heart for a bank, while Patch has a bee hives with two bees on it. How adorably fitting. Sweetheart suggests asking their parents for the rest, but Patch shoots it down saying that according to her parents if she (they in this case) break something than it's up to her to fix it.

Suddenly, the dinging sound effect of inspiration hits Clover, and best klutzy pony (next to Minty of course) suggests opening a lemonade stand. And points for not going for the cliche light bulb gag. Like how Bloom made Clover both the source of trouble as well as the one to come up with the idea to save the day as it were. Nice bit of balance there. Bon Bon (who forwhatever unfathomable reason is cosplaying as Melody in this scene) says she can make the lemonade while Patch (handy pony/ renascence pony extraordinaire) says she can make the stand. Why do I get the weird feeling Patch could grow up into the female pony version of Tim Taylor from Home Improvement, but WAY more competent? Or at least less ego centric/willing to check the manual. 



Starlight agrees that the idea is a good one and raises her hoof to put it to a vote, which turns out to be unanimous. If you're expecting some sort of crack about Congress, don't bother. I might play up the obvious joke every now-and-again, but even I'm not going after fruit that low hanging. 



Also, apparently lemonade is the Tales version of freaking Apple cider, because next scene we have a LOT of ponies lined up to get some of that sweet, sweet lemon juice. Bright Eyes mares the money box while the rest of the mane seven work the lemon aid distribution. And when you have this sort of a success (one cup is apparently two jangles) you inevitably have ponies who want a slice of that money flavored pie. The ponies in this case being the Tail Trio, aka Teddy, Ace, and Lancer, aka those two jerks and one decent guy.



Teddy remarks on how good the girls's lemonade is while Lancer brings up the fact that it IS pretty good. Ace than says that they could make lemonade just as good and throws his cup in a nearby trash can. Teddy agrees with the idea of setting up their own lemon aid stand and tosses his cup into the trash can as well.


Lancer heads after the two boys (his cup ironically missing the trash can all together) saying that it wouldn't be right to set up a lemon aid stand to compete against the girls since it was their idea first.

Ace then brings up the basic economics law of competition making the economy stronger and well, dude does have a (theoretical) point there. Also, apparently Mrs. Hackney teaches basic economic theory. (Someone really needs to do a story where she and G4 Cheerilee discuss teaching methods with one another.) Lancer expresses more sympathy for the girls, saying that they wouldn't want to put the girls out of business at which Teddy brings up the fact that Lancer ALWAYS sides with the girls. Lancer tries to (weakly) deny this but Ace agrees with Teddy, saying that to prove that he's 'one of the boys' he (Lancer) should help build their lemonade stand, what with all those fat stacks of cash Lancer's family has (because nothing says manliness like acting as an economic foundation for a lemon based enterprise). 



Lancer reluctantly gives into peer pressure and agrees to fund the Tail Trio's lemonade stand. We cut to later in pretty roomy looking kitchen (Lancer's house maybe?) where the boys are trying to make some lemon aid of their own, but with little luck. Ace tries a cup only for it to be too sour, and after Teddy puts in the rest of the bag of sugar and tries some, we get some amusingly meme worthy expressions from the Tedanator. 



Ace then remarks that the girls must have some sort of secret recipe, while Lancer brings up the fact that Bon Bon probably knows it. Teddy dismisses the idea, saying that Bon Bon would never tell them what it is, but Ace is apparently somehow channeling Light Yagami some 14ish years ahead of schedule as he gets his 'devious plannin' things' expression working.



Ace: Don't be too sure, they don't call me 'Prince Charming' for nothing!”

Ace, this is, like, literally the first and I think ONLY time anyone, yourself included, as called you 'Prince Charming.' Though to be fair Ace would STILL make a better Prince than Blue Blood. 



We once again cut to later, this time out near a grassy trail/forest of some sort where Bon Bon is walkin' along, minding her business, when she sees a jangle on the ground. Figuring that she's got yet another jangle for the tea set, she reaches down to pic it up (also, got us a return of that nice background piano music that I enjoy so much. Some one really should get around to posting all the BGM music for Tales. Just sayin'). Then Teddy gets all up in Bon's hood and starts messing with her 'neighborhood.' After the Tales series Bon's Mom, scared for her middle daughter's safety, decides to send poor Bon Bon off to her aunt and uncle in town of Pon Air.



So Teddy starts yelling at poor Bon Bon, saying that she saw him drop the jangle and was trying to steal it. Bon Bon tries to deny it when 'Prince' Ace to rescue. The pony version of Bart Simpson (because, let's face it, Ace is more like Bart than he is Cartman from South Park) manages to roll his intimidation check and gets Teddy to back off as Mr. Mohawk storms off in a huff. Bon Bon, being one of the more sensitive ponies of the Mane Seven, is smitten with Ace's valiant rescue effort. 



Ace tries and acts all humble, saying that he didn't like that Teddy was picking on her, and asks if she wants to go bike riding after school with him (Eh, as manipulative as Ace is being here, least he didn't try and flatter Bon Bon through her stomach). Bon Bon is flatter and gives him bed-roomish eyes, and we cut to what I can only assume is Pony Park- Because what else would this park in Tales be called?- where a bunch of ponies are out and about enjoying the- spring? Spring. - day boating their way across the largish sized lake. 



I find it amusing how those boats are no doubt hoof powered. So the camera pans over to the right where we see Bon Bon and Ace ride bikes together, with Ace show off some fancy bike tricks that would probably get a real life ten year old killed (or at least seriously hurt). Bon Bon laughs in genuine amusement and we cut to later, where both she and Ace are sitting down by the lake dock. 



Bon Bon says that her afternoon with Ace is the most fun she's ever had (I can only assume she means with another boy, would like to think she's had plenty of fun with her friends) and then Ace brings up the lemonade. Bon Bon, having been played like a fiddle (or cello/string bass given her love of food) whispers the secret to Ace (it is, amazingly enough, NOT swordfish but mint leaves). Having gotten the goods, Ace is quick to abandon the AceBon ship as he heads off back to (possibly Lancer's) house. Another small aside here, Bon^2 and Ace got some very 'humany' body language going on here. Not complaining mind you, just thought it was amusing and worth mentioning. 



We transition once more back to the girl's lemonade stand where the tables (and customers) have turned to the boy's side of the Force. Sweetheart (with a lone tear in her eye) asks how this could have happened. Bright Eyes remarks how the Tail Trio's lemonade can't be as good as theirs (though the fact that the boys have a much more fancy stand probably doesn't help matters) and it's at this point that Bon Bon admits to having been hoodwinked by Ace into telling the formula.



Patch and Sweetheart have angry/irritated expressions for a moment as everyone pretty much says the kid pony version of “What the hell Bon Bon?!” but Starlight puts a front hoof on Bon Bon's shoulder (or at least the pony version of a shoulder, their all standing on their hind legs in this scene) and asks why? Bon Bon, who has tears in her eyes, explains everything about Ace and the bikes and all that before putting her hoofs in her face out of shame. Starlight sympathetically tells Bon Bon not to try and the other girls chime in with other comments (Sweetheart amusingly says “We love you Bon Bon!”).

This scene, I like. The girls don't get/stay mad at Bon Bon for more than a moment when they see that she honestly regrets what she did, and don't blame her for having the wool pulled over her eyes like she did. This to me shows their friendship at one of it's more understanding and tender moments. They don't hold Bon Bon temporarily falling for Ace's charms against her, and forgive her like good friends should. Tis a cute scene is what I'm getting at here folks.

Also, in the off chance that anyone was curious as to what inspired Bons Between the Stars, that scene where Starlight puts a hoof on Bon Bon's shoulder is basically the reason why. And now you (pointlessly) know. (Insert the more you know clip).

This being the 90s, Patch and Starlight trot angrily over to the boy's stand and (with glaring expressions) and Patch asks just what the boys think their doing. Ace replies smugly that they're selling lemonade. Starlight gets on her back hoofs and jabs a front hoof at the boys, saying that they stole their (the girls) secret forumla. Teddy replies that Bon Bon gave it to them and then Bright Eyes (who followed Starlight and Patch over to the guys stand) expresses her disappointed at the boys, but especially with Lancer (who she is glaring at in this scene).


Lancer can only gulp and stammer in reply but Ace butts in saying that they shouldn't take this whole 'tricked your friend for lemonade' thing so personally (half surprised it wasn't ponyally or something like that). “Business is business.” Why do I get the feeling that if Ace had been born earlier he had made one heck of a Yuppie?

Bright Eyes: Oh it's business alright, monkey business!

Huh. Monkeys are confirmed for Tales canon I suppose.

So Bright Eyes goes on to say that the boys took something that belong to them, and Teddy makes a crack about them (the guys) taking their customers (who let out grumbles of annoyance at the line being held up).

The girls however, will not be denied their tea party bonding and say that they aren't moving. Ace (who speaks for the dudes) says that neither will they.

Well, I'll let my good pal Bugs sum up what happens next.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8_GVfPuw4M

And it's at this point that we get the song for the episode, “Think Again.”

www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1FvMo8OtXA

Now personally I like it when all ten ponies get into a big song number like this and I REALLY like the escalating back-and-forth nature of the song as both sides try to one up one another with new gimmicks and the like (my personal favorite are Ace's unicycle and soccer ball juggling while Melody breaks out some tunes with two ponies who, interestingly enough, are NOT a part of the Rockin' Beats. One of them looks like Posey , if Posey had a long breaded mane and played the saxophone. I say Poesy because Fluttershy won't be created for some 10+ years from now).

So after the song, we return to the tea house shack where the girls are counting up their money. Turns out they now have 172 jangles. 105 Jangles in what I can only assume is one day? Not bad girls. Not bad at all (granted, lemonade stands always seem to be more profitable in fiction than in reality).

There's a knock on the door and Patch walks over to it Lyra-style (because dated fanon memes) and it turns out it's Lancer, Starlight (who seems to sigh in mild annoyance here) says to let him in.

Turns out Lancer is here to admit that what Teddy and Ace did wasn't right. Bright Eyes is happy to hear this and asks if he wants to come on their side. Lancer happily accepts and even gives them a gift to make up for the whole 'Bon Bon' fiasco. Turns out it's a recipe for ice tea. (also, got a return of that nice relaxing BGM, that one with the whistles and 'chimes' I think? Dunno. Someone SERIOUSLY needs to get on getting Tales BGM uploaded at some point).

So hoofed with their new recipie, we cut to both Ace and Teddy outside their stand, which is now devoid of customers. Both go over to see just what the heck is going on (the girls' stand is hopping with pony customers) and Starlight says (in an adorably knowing sort of voice) that the lemonade stand war is over and that their in the ice tea business now.

Well, guess that's one way to solve you problems. Take the ole third option.

Both Teddy and Ace try some of the ice tea, and Teddy comments on how good it is while Ace is all “Who cares?”

Turns out, the Mane Seven do as they just made enough money to get their tea set and all canter off to the shop, leaving both their stand and customers hanging. The episode ends with both Ace and Teddy arguing with one another, Ace insisting that they can still pull off a win somehow, while Teddy points out that lancer wouldn't have left if the girls had never been made angry by taking advantage of Bon Bon, and so on until the episode at last fades to black.

So that's the Great Lemonade Stand Wars, all things hold? Not bad. Like the friendship moment between the girls and Bon Bon after she confesses to giving away the recipe and it makes for a nice contrast to the beginning of the episode. Shows that just because the girls might tease one another (You know, as friends/kids are kinda known to do) they still got each others backs and won't hold a grunge if a friend messes up (poor Bonnie was so broken up she was crying for cripes sake).

As for the Tail Trio, this is them really at their most antagonistic. Not evil mind you, just antagonistic. Bloom seems to show the more 'flawed' aspect of the boys, such as Ace competitiveness (which, really, is the whole source for this episode when you get right down to it. He's manipulating Bon Bon to get an advantage over the girls business wise, not just for the sake of messing with Bon Bon) and Teddy's almost Reggie Mantel levels of varying jerkness (how much of a jerk is Teddy? Depends on the needs of the story? How fat is Bon Bon? Depends on the episode.). Now that isn't to say that they aren't at (non Chubby) Diamond Tiara levels of jerkness (say what you will about either Ace or Ted but at least they never mocked Bon Bon's size/eating habits... Ace's comment of exasperating in Birds of a Feather aside), heck when Ace isn't letting his ego or competitiveness get the better of him he's shown to be a pretty decent guy from the look of things.

(Thought just occurred to me, Ace is basically Season 1-2 G4 Dash if G4 Dash was a stallion earth pony with bits of G4 Rarity thrown in for good measure)

Basically, check out here and here for a better defense of both Teddy (http://talesschoolhouse.proboards.com/thread/22/teddy) and Ace (http://talesschoolhouse.proboards.com/thread/315/backstory?page=1&scrollTo=5561).

So, feels good to be back, expect the next review sometime within the next fewish days and since we'll be at the 13th episode of MLP Tales (and thus the half way point) expect for the positivity train to make a short stop into 'rage/nitpicker as we tackle a certain strawmare song from a certain documentary about a certain recent fandom. I am of course talking about the 'Lets Go Meet the Whovians' from the Nu Who Documentary and how it completely glosses over the Classic Who era of Doctor Who while treating Nu Who as the greatest thing since sliced air.

[bobdude]

MLP Tales review 13
Well beautiful friends, we've made it at last. We've finally made it to the 13th episode of My Little Pony Tales! youtu.be/aV_lMSmWtZs

Yes, it's been a long journey and we're only half way there, but the fourth rate, third bit, deadman's version of Sun tzu is determined to triumph in the end!*

And what better way to celebrate this milestone occasion, than with a review update that HASN'T been months on end since the last one? youtu.be/aV_lMSmWtZs[/url
]
So it's time to take a page out of the great American writer Mark Twain and get us some brain damage (I've run out of time travel machines so sue me...) as we once more dive into the murky grung filled decade of the early 1990s, at a time when the 80s were still desperately clinging on as best it could the New Kids on the Block were more teenagers than actual children, and Saved by the Bell was the hot new thing for teens.

Once against best Alicorn Prince George Bloom has graced our 1992 non flat screen, non HD, non satellite (which we all know is a scam from hell ) TVs with MLP Tales's 13th episode. I am of course talkin about those Blue Ribbon Blues Daddy-o... os.

So we start our episode off with a nice shot of some river bank by the forest as Teddy runs by said bank, carrying a picnic basket in his mouth while Sweetheart chases after him. Somehow I can't help but feel this is some sort of weird metaphor for their relationship.... Also, apparently Teddy has been taking dating tips from the Yo Yogi version of Yogi Bear (yes it was an actual thing, yes its as silly as it sounds. But it seems pretty decent/harmless from what little I've seen of it on youtube).

Some green fish splash on by (nice little detail that I just noticed now actually) while Sweetheart demands that Teddy give her basket back. Teddy turns his head back and says that she has to catch him first, but a nearby log at the edge of the river (how that log got near the river is anyone’s guess) causes him halt suddenly, causing him to accidentally drop the basket and all it's goodies into said river.

To say that Sweetheart is angry at this is a bit like saying that George H Bush kinda messed up on getting reelected in the 92 election.
She starts yelling at Teddy, demanding that he get the basket/food back and even calls him a bully. Truthfully, it's more than a little scary seeing SWEETheart of all ponies get all yelly. Note to self: NEVER mess with Wisteria when we get to G3.

Teddy looks all nervous at the water and Sweetheart asks if he can swim, Teddy says that he can (in an unsure tone of voice) but that he doesn't like the looks of the water (given how choppy that water looks, can't say I blame the kid really)

Sweetheart just sighs before saying that she wonders why she puts up with him (teddy), saying that he only knows how to hurt ponies. Ted (may he stay excellent and party on forever) says that he's capable of doing more than just acts of juvenile delinquency, such as... farming. Turns out he has a cousin that lives on the farm by the name of Corny and Teddy TOTALLY loves farming.

Teddy, hate to break it to you but Harvest Moon farming and real life farming aren't the same thing.

Sweetheart's fury subsides (thank god, she might have become a Tumblr style 'social justice' warrior otherwise) and admits that spending time on the farm would be nice and says that she'll ask her parents if she can go. Teddy stammers a bit when he replies that he'll call his cousin before he gets home (What are these cellular phones of which you speak of? These are children ponies, not drug dealers. Although, San Andres took place in 1992.... Herrmmm. Big Smoke: All we had to do was follow the train Sweet- Is that a rocket launcher. Sweetheart: Yes it is. *fires a missiles that blows up the train and causes half of Los Santos to go up in flames* And nothing of value was lost.).**

So we cut to some time still within the year of 1992, where we get an opening shot of the... Meadowsweet family farm here, and I have to say it's pretty nice. (It's not named in the episode itself, but the comics call it that and I have to call it SOMETHING other than 'that farm' people, so Meadowsweet it is!). It's got a white wood fence on the left and right sides in the front, long rows of... wheat(I'm a fourth rate, third bit internet reviewer, (meaning I'm just a reviewer), not a farmer people), a dirt path in the center leading to a nice big red barn and a farm house. Funnily enough, I love how the Tales barn is actually LESS 'girly' looking than the Sweet Apple farm barn is.

Anyways, Sweetheart comments on how much she loves the smell of the country (clearly she has not spent that much time here if she's thinking that) and we see that our RonXHermionie style paring are in a chicken bar.

Sadly, Sorin of the Wonderbolts does NOT randomly cross time and space between 2010 and 1992 to burst into that chicken barn and exclaim about the joys and wonders that are... chickens.

Sweetheart continues to comment (as she, the Ted, and who I can only assume is Corny) that this is the first time she's ever gotten the egg straight from the chicken (make your own jokes people, can't think of anything for that one).
Corny is a pink coated colt with a multicolored tale (yellow, sky blue, purple, then pink) with a corn hip symbol. What? You were expecting some sort of comment on his rainbow tale/mane or pink coat? This is 2014 Mr. Bunker, not the 1970s.


Teddy, macho male dingbat that he is, insists that he can get the eggs from the chickens over the guy who's grown up and lived on a farm his whole life. Teddy, predictably, gets pecked for his trouble.

Cousin Corny (not to be confused with Cousin IT... Or confuse that IT with that freaky Tim Curry sounding clown from Maine) says that Teddy's macho way isn't really the way to go about getting eggs from chickens... Why do I get the oddest feeling Teddy is some sort of strange commentary on the typical bull headed machismo approach to life.
But Teddy is a determined son of a... gun (do guns even exist in the Tales universe?) and grabs the egg basket (which does look like something that would wrap around a pony's body instead of just being yet ANOTHER sandal bag (seriously, Equestria, what up with those Saddle bags?)) and makes another go at it.

The chickens take this about as well as you'd expect. Also, clearly Teddy has played more Harvest Moon than a Link to the Past, because he would know then that you NEVER get up in a chicken's business. They'll tear through all of your hearts and bottled fairies like a freaking chainsaw on crystal meth!

So in order that Teddy not get a Game Over screen, he dashes out of the chicken coop, with the chickens following after as the two eggs that had been collected fall out and get broken in the process. Teddy runs past the big red barn (to to be confused with that freak of nature dog of the same color) and both Sweetheart and Corny glance at each other before cantering off after Teddy.

Teddy trips over a wood (least i think it's wood) wheelbarrow and slides into the nearby pig pen when he smashes the basket into his face when both land on a nearby pig's plo- I mean, butt.

I'd say poor Teddy, but frankly the kid brought it on himself. So instead, WHO SHALL JOIN ME AS WE PULL BACK OUR HEADS AND LAUGH AT HIS MISERY?!

Sweetheart and Corny come up next to the pig pen and Sweetheart asks if Teddy's okay. Interestingly enough, Teddy replies (between panting breaths) that he's fine and he just wanted some exercise. Teddy offers to give the basket of eggs back and Corny comments how the family really didn't need them to be scrambled.

Sweetheart says that the pig that Teddy muzzle planted into is cute and Corny says that the pigs name is Yorkie. Because Hamlet would have been too on the muzzle I guess.
These compliments pleases the Prince of Pork as Yorkie smiles and lifts his head up upon hearing this.

Corny says that Yorkie is planned to win the blue ribbon at the fair tomorrow. Teddy snarks about Yorkies weight and physical appearance, and the Prince of Pigs turns around and kicks some mud/mud-mixed-with pig poop in Teddy's face for his troubles.

You know, I bet back in Coltenvillie Clover is have one HELL of a competent day on her hooves where EVERYTHING is just turning up Clover.

So back at the... Meadowsweet Farm Teddy wipes the mud/mud poo off his face with a hoof swipe and then Corny Sr. announces from a white fence (that I now realize would not look out of place in St. Petersburg, Missouri circa 1830s to 1840s). Corny Sr. (because I have to call him SOMETHING other than Corny's dad) has a spiffy sun hat on. I like that hat. (and yes, he's got the same coat/mane as his son in case you were wondering).

And it's here that we get the Tales song of the day, "Harvest Time". This one is pretty interesting, whoever does Corny Sr's voice is the one doing the singing for the song at the start, and gives it a nice deep, rich flavor to the tune. Sweetheart, Corny Jr, and I think maybe Teddy join in shortly after.

So the song is nice and the visuals have a refreshing rural flair to them. We get a wide pan view of the whole farm, they got a pretty human looking scarecrow to the left of the barn, while the farm house itself almost looks as if it came out of G4 Ponyvillie, with it's yellow almost thatch-like roof. Also, the farm house has a small grass lawn and some ball/lollipop style trees around it. It's cute.

Also, apparently the Mohawk farm is canonical more advance than Sweet Apples, these pink ponies got a freaking tractor thing (that is apparently so simple that even Teddy can operate it without any trouble. Will wonders ever cease?). So as Sweetheart and Corny do farm chores and bond over fire place popped popcorn the song ends about how both are glad that their spending harvest time with each other. Teddy, of course, is not happy with these potential ship paring.

Also, we see Corny Jr's mom/possible sister sitting by said fireplace as the song is going on (hard to tell at this point honestly) and shes got herself a orange flower hip symbol annnddd.... more importantly, a tail bow ribbon thing just like the Dream Valley ponies of ye olden days used to have! (Yay shout outs!)

So after the song ends we have a nighttime shot of the barn (thing looks bigger than the barn of Sweet Apples, but that could just be my skewed sense of scale talking there) before cutting inside where Corny (Jr) is giving His Royal Swineness a good ole scrub down. Teddy walks in and Corny says that he's giving Yorkie one last bath before the fair tomorrow. Teddy says he doesn't care about the pig and that he only cares about Sweetheart (good to know you don't have a pig fetish there Ted).

Corny: I care about Sweetheart too.

Teddy: Yeah, well she's MY girlfriend! (Think this might be the first time we have a confirmed canon pairing on Tales, besides roll around the clock that is)
Corny: She won't be if you keep acting like a jerk.

I like Corny, he has all the right reactions. You know, Lancer should really hang out with him and Logan over Ace and Teddy. Least those two wouldn't force their macho bullpoo on Lance.
Yorkie, at this point, gets out of the tub and shakes water off, which lands on Teddy. Teddy says he hopes that Yorkie loses and bucks a bucket of water on the pigs head and storms off to dramatic/late 80s/early 90s bgm.

Yorkie manages to pull the bucket off of his head (must be smarter than the av-erage pig), oinking in annoyance all the while (well ya did just splash someone with water pig dude).
You know, maybe my Tervor-Teddy comparison wasn't THAT far off the mark...

So we cut to later at the house, where Teddy has falling a sleep with his Teddy bear, which he obviously brought with him. Also, kid STILL has his shades resting on his mohawk mane. Seriously Ted, couldn't ya had put those on the little nightstand next to the bed? I mean, it looks a bit crowded sure, but-

Wait, is that Yorkie outside his window, watching over him? .... Apparently the good Prince of Pork took a page out of Edward Cullin's book of romance/stalking.
And now Yorkie's somehow managed to enter the room and is trying to take Teddy's ted bear...

What this is I don't- Okay, so Teddy wakes up and amazingly, is NOT freaked out and is more angry/annoyed that the farm pig is trying to steal his bear than question the fact that HOW the pig is smart enough to do so in the first place....

So both pig and pony are getting into a tug of war for the toy bear, Yorkie knocks back into a nearby bookshelf, tumbling books over in the process, and then the bear is ripped apart and the rest of the family (plus Sweetheart) wondering just what in the sam of the hills is going on and....

www.youtube.com/watch?v=crPl0ITIkS0

Right, so, I managed to process the idea of Yorkie being smart enough to do all that (what, do ponies somehow radiate sentience/intelligence no matter what generation they're in?) and we can move on with the rest of the episode.

So with the bear out of the bed and his stuffing of fluff all over the floor, Teddy goes with the classic Brony tacit of “It's for my daughter/niece/significant little girl figure in my life” and says that the bear is for Daisy (the pony with the ribbon in her tale from the song, Femny (Corny + female aka Corny's mom) has (ironically) apples for her hip symbol.
Sweetheart glances over at Teddy knowingly, before saying that she can sew the broken bear up for Daisy easily.

Daisy (who now has a little cute green hat with Daisy on it, along with a hip symbol that is white instead of orange) happily accepts the offer and with that the Meadowsweet's trot off back to bed, with Yorkie in tow.

Teddy and Sweetheart hang out for just a bit, before sweetheart takes both pieces of the bear back with her (think she sort of sighs in disappointment or something as she takes the bear?) while Teddy manages to mumble out a heart felt thanks to her for keeping Teddy's bear secret.

So next we're greeted by a rooster, who greet the morning doing his rooster thing. Teddy comes storming out of the house, accompanied by that dramatic background music, as he bursts into the barn. Yorkie wakes up slowly as Teddy starts getting all up in his grill, saying that he'll get Yorkie for trying to take his bear from him last night. This scares Yorkie so much that the Prince of Pigs dashes off, leaving Teddy to laugh evilly (as much as a ten year old can laugh evilly that is son) in a pile of hay as both Corny and Sweetheart come in the bar.
Honestly, I can't say that Teddy is totally in the wrong here. I mean, if a farm animal went and sneaked into my room and tried to take one of my childhood stuffed animals, I'd probably want to get back at the critter as well. Besides, all Teddy did was give that Pompous Poker a good scare, not like he went and hit the pig (kicking a bucket maybe, but even then it's just a bucket on the head).

So Corny asks where Yorkie is and Teddy says that he was just about to go tell them that Yorkie is missing. Corny canters off to look for Yorkie while Sweetheart asks if Teddy didn't have anything to do with the missing piggy.

Teddy replies (albeit weakly) that he didn't, but Sweetheart doesn't buy that for a second.

SH: If this is your good side, I'm really truly sorry you showed it to me. (Props to Maggie Blue's delivery here, never thought the phrase 'really truly' could sound so... harsh. Even I felt a bit ashamed there and I'm not even Teddy!).

Teddy, now fully ashamed of his actions, is left alone in the barn.

Meanwhile, Corny is in hot pursuit after Yorkie, as the pig runs off into the forest (so we have the country version of the Old Woods here, cool) only to come across a watering hole (complete with a tire swing!) and getting his sorry pig butt trapped. Corny jumps in (ala Cannon ball style, 9 out of ten points pink poni!) and saves him, but gets trapped between the large branch and rock himself.

You know, I've heard of being stuck between a rock and a hard place, but I don't think Corny ever thought the phrase was supposed to be THIS literal.
So Corny starts yelling for help, and Teddy (who's searching the woods for Yorkie no doubt) rushes off in the direction of the voice. Up on the cliff he can see his trapped cousin and for a moment Teddy is frozen with fear but Corny says that there's nothing to be afraid of (kid's keeping his cool remarkable well considering his situation. Betcha HE wouldn't be fazed by some silly ole spooky looking trees***

So Teddy literally takes the dive and jump into the river below, before realizing... that he actually likes the water. He even adorably splashes about for a little bit before Corny reminds him of the whole 'danger' thing what with the three way triangle between him, the tree branch, and rocks. Talk about your... rocky relationships.
…. Yeah, okay that one was pretty lame even by my standards.

So Teddy lifts the branch up, free his cousin, just as Sweetheart (who heard Corny's cries for help earlier) appears at the lake bed shore thing.
Sweetheart comments on how she thought Teddy was afraid of the water, and Teddy says that he's conquered it. Between this and Teddy saving his cousin, he is now back in Sweetheart's good graces, who nuzzles him in a scene of cuteness. (Seriously, so much cuteness!).

As for the whole “It's Teddy's fault for causing the whole mess in the first place”, like I said before, ALL Teddy did was scare the pig. It's not as if Teddy knew ahead that Yorkie was going to get himself trapped in water, or that Corny was going to get trapped rescuing Yorkie. Heck, at least give the kid credit for overcoming his fear and willingly helping his cousin without trying to blackmail Corny into staying away from Sweetheart or something like that.

Sorry, just, just wanted to keep the magical thing known as 'context' in mind here people (and mostly to avoid any potential flame wars. Those are never any fun and have no winners).

So at long last we cut to the fair, which is suddenly interrupted when the Glow N Show ponies show up and reveal that they are in fact, the old villains of G1 who have come to rebuild the rainbow bridge to Megan's world so that they can get the revenge they waited 5000 years for and reveal that all of pony civilization has been of their making and-
(glances down at the numerous bottles of Mike's Hard surrounding him) What the hell am I SAYING? I mean, the only thing that would be stupider than that would be if Starlight and Bon Bon become larger and in charge lesbian lovers. I mean, only some pathetic lowlife dweeb of a nincompoop would think that's a good idea.

So, at long last we've finally reached the county/state/Ponylandian(?) fair! youtu.be/aV_lMSmWtZs

Full of all those classic fair attractions, such as Cowboy Pony, Balloons, and human waving it's arms like it's trying to make a snow angel. Eh, seems accurate to me, never been to many fairs of any sort myself.

Also, fair as some tilt-a-whirl things and a non-pink fairs wheel (G3.5 Pinkie would be in totes rage mode at such a travesty). So Teddy, Sweetheart, and Daisy are at one of those 'knock the bottles down with a ball and win a prize' booths, where the prizes are.... Care Bears? (Seriously, that blue bear on the shelf in the background totes looks as if it would be not out of place in Carealot). Teddy manages to knock all three bottles down and Sweetheart starts jumping up and down in celebration, causing the fixed bear to fall to the dirt ground.
Daisy picks the bear up with her hoof (better that than her mouth I suppose) and says that since the bear is fixed, its her's now (only in a much cuter voice obviously).

Teddy questions the whole ownership thing, but one sharply raised tone and glare from Sweetheart (like a boss!) is enough to put him into submission on agreeing the bear is Daisy's. Daisy gives Teddy a kiss for lettin her keep the bear (awww!) and trots off to find her bother.

Teddy's prize for winning the booth game? A stuffed pig (who actually looks pretty cute all things told). Seriously guys, I think Teddy might have absorbed Clover's bad luck somehow.
So we cut to later at the pig contest, where Yorkie (sadly) wins and everyone cheers, even Teddy. Personally I was going for that pig with the brown spots on his face myself. Damn, where's that word crafting spider when you need her?

So we cut to later, with the fair winding down as everyone gets in the dark red farm truck to head back home. Teddy offers to trade his freshly won pig toy back for his bear, and Daisy replies “Me like bear.” (Daisy apparently takes speaking lessons from the Hulk, although if Teddy's anger is anything to go by maybe the whole Meadowsweet family has some hidden rage issues...). But eventually Teddy is able to convince her to trade and he comments on the fairness of the trade: Daisy is happy, and he got his Teddy bear, so he's happy. Which means that everyone is happy. Before both Teddy and Sweetheart get into the back of the truck, Teddy offers to let Sweetheart hold his bear, at least until they get back to the house.
Sweetheart comments that Teddy might just have a good side to him after all, and Teddy whispers for her to just not tell anyone (got to protect that nonexistent tough guy reputation after all). With that, the couple get into the back with Corny and Yorkie and the episode ends with the van driving off back to the home.

This episode, I really like the setting for this episode. Mr. Bloom's choice of the countryside was a very welcomed and nice change of pace over the suburban setting of Coltenvillie, and I like how the background music at the occasional country flair throughout.

Corny was a pretty likeable guy, and the ninja pig stuff is so out there that I can't honestly bring myself to hate it. Took me a bit to process it when watching the episode, but it's so silly it goes back around and becomes amusing. Also liked how Teddy got some character development, though parts of it doesn't seem to stick in Happy Birthday Sweetheart (in fieriness, Tales continuity is very... lax in terms of when what episode takes place after which and changing as a person is not an easy thing to do). Actually, I kinda liked how it was just Teddy, Sweetheart, and Corny this time around as oppose to all the mane seven. Corny could have become like Meadowlark and become a sort of reoccurring character, but that's a musing for another time.

So, next time we... Well, Go Meet the Bronies I guess. Be very afraid my multi pony gen friends, be very afraid.

*Pending on the business of school work of course.

** Anyone else find it funny how Vice City took place in 1986 (same year that MLP N Friends aired) and the same for Tales and San Andres? Or is it just me.

*** Yes, I know the Skilled but Overrated Faust (at least in terms of fandom love) had to make a choice between having threats that were actually threatening vs. threats that actually showed off each of the mane six's friendship traits, but that doesn't mean I can't playfully poke the fun at them anyways.****

**** Although I do find it interesting how Mr. Bloom had actual sentient trees physically threaten the HumThree and the Little Ponies in the 1986MLP Movie. Tis... interesting.

[Al1701]

Have you done a quantum leap yet? The show was actually on the air while Tales was.

And this it's events like the beginning of Blue Ribbon Blues that makes Stand By Me a bad episode.

However, he always seem to come out smelling at least less like a scrapyard in every episode.

[bobdude]

Sadly I have not watched Quantum Leap, though I've heard about it and seen bits and pieces of it here and there. Seems like the sort of show I'd enjoy. Kinda like an American version of Doctor Who almost.

As for Teddy, agree to disagree, see the end of my review for episode 12 for links defending both Teddy and Ace far better than I ever could. I will say this much however, I think it's telling that the universe/writers don't seem to let either the mane seven or the tail trio get away with pulling bad stunts from a karmic point of view (Ie the Great Lemonaid Stand Wars.)Teddy aside, anything about either review 13 or 12 (or any of the others for that matter) that you liked joke wise? Did you think any of the points I brought up were interesting if nothing else (such as my review of the Masquerade)? Anything you'd suggest for future reviews/improvements?

[bobdude]

Let's Go Meet the Brony's rebuttal.
Greetings and Saluatations my friends, *adjusts the monocle on his left eye* I am the baron of Horsequeria, the Well Known Baron Von Exit, at your service.

Today, we shall be covering a song from a documentary about a fandom of males who enjoy little colorful horses, or at least, a certain TYPE of colorful magical horse. I am of course referring to the documentary, Bronies: : The Extremely Unexpected Adult Fans of My Little Pony.

Produced by Tara Strong, John de Lancie, Lauren Faust and released in 2013; The documentary covers different Brony cons and interviews a number of the show's creative staff as well as members of the fandom itself. It also covers the history of both the fandom and the franchise up to G4. But we aren't here to talk about the documentary as a whole, we're just hear to talk about one song. Or to be more precise, the first verse of one song in particular.

So enough of my rumblings and ramblings I say, let us go forth and meet these 'bronies'!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=OV-OF9wZWDs
....
I.
... I-

You know what, forget the obvious and unfunny parody of a nitpicky youtube reviewer, from now on I am not talking to you, the reader, as either Baron of Horsequeria or as Bob-dude. Instead I'm throwing away the mask and stepping out of the shadows to tell you what Skyler T. Wilson's honest to god thoughts are on this little song.

So with all that out of the way, where do I even begin with this steaming pile of pony poop?
Well, I suppose the best place to start is by correcting that ever annoying bit of misunderstanding about previous pony gens. I am of course referring to the fact that My Little Pony Tales IS NOT A PART OF GENERATION TWO! Now, I don't know (or truthfully care) how the Hasbro Cash Cow that is the Transformers franchise separates it's toy generations or tv shows, but with My Little Pony they have been separated by the toy series. Not the cartoons, the toys.

Now, why the toys you ask? Why not the cartoons? Because toy collecting is what has kept the My Little Pony franchise going all these years. It it was women young and old (and yes undoubtedly even pre G4 men as well) that took the time and energy out of their own lives to collect these colorful mini equines because it meant something to them, either nostalgically or emotionally or some other reason that I won't care to make broad sweeping generalizations about. Before any concept of 'Bronies' (at least in as much as the original meaning of the phrase), it were the toy collecting and target audience that made the franchise what it was. That kept it alive. Hell, there's even a freaking forum dedicated to pony collecting, to say nothing of the  My Little Pony Tales Forums out there. ***

And this song, THIS SONG. This song basically throws everyone who had either grown up watching or collecting ponies, be they young or old, and throws them under the monster truck/tank that is Friendship is Magic.

But I am getting ahead of myself somewhat, so maybe I should explain myself in the manner of many a complaining, nitpicking, whining little adult chil- I mean, "Internet reviewer" before me. By directing this insult to equinedom piece by pathetic piece.

So, first scene is the exterior shot of 'Pony University'. What's wrong John De Lancy, Luaren Faust, Tara Strong, and rest? Couldn't think of a precious pony pun to use? Why not Hayle, or Canterbridge, Manehattan (clearly the  pinnacle of naming genus that) U, or the University of Sugarcubes? Because if you think about it dear reader, Pony University is EXCATLY the sort of name that would exist for My Little Pony Tales. Irony, thy name is ponies.

So we then get a quick shot of a bunch of Original Character (Donotsteal!) ponies sitting down in, what else, a university style classroom. Oh, and Derpy I'm-contractually-obligated-to-appear-in-any-and-all-G4-work Hooves is here as well. Because reference humor (though granted I'm not one to talk in this case seeing as how 90% of my mediocre moronity is based off of reference humor)  

Then we have the beginning of the source of my pure, untamed, blood pressure skyrocketing rage. The lyrics (written by one of the show writers, Amy Keating Rogers, no less!). Oh by George Arthur Bloom's pen/typewriter/80's word processor, those lyrics. I'ma break this down for you guys piece by pathetic piece.

Generation One appeared on TV in the Eighties, 
it was made to sell toys; plots were hardly very weighty 

Which, if Mrs. Faust's comments on Deviart and elsewhere are anything to go by, is what she spent most of her time playing with. That is to say, the Dream Valley version of G1, not Tales. Which started with the 22 minute special (penned by George  Arthur Bloom), Rescue at Midnight Castle (aka Rescue from Midnight Castle, aka Firefly's Adventure ).

As for the 'selling toys' comment, while I'm usually indifferent about his webcomics/work, I believe that the good David Wills of Shortpacked fame said it best : "How can Transformers possibly 'sell out'? It started as a 20-minute toy commercial."

The same can be said exactly for GI Joe Real American Hero, Jem, the 1980s version of Pound Puppies, and the  Inhumanoids. For crying out loud, Hasbro is a TOY company, what the heck ELSE are they going to sell to people? And further more, it's not as if YOUR show is any less guilty in this regard. Hell, in just seasons one and two we have Twilight getting an owl half way through the season, Rainbow Dash getting a turtle-tortoise (No one cares Fluttershy), Twilight suddenly having an older brother, all the mane six having individualized houses (only 19.99, buy yours today!), and a whole host of stuff I'm no doubt forgetting of hand. You don't criticize something for selling toys when you yourself do the same damned thing!

Want to know what that makes you Brony Documentary/John De Lancy/Tara Strong/Luaren Faust?
That makes you a hypocrite. Now, there's no shame in being a  hypocrite. Everyone's a  hypocrite on some level or another. For example, I hate the idea of past Pony generations being the past/back story for G4. I think it devalues and degrades them while putting G4 on a pedestal.

That being said, I have the headcanon that Dream Valley G1 is the long ago 'Third Age' of My Little Pony Tales, with Tales being at least a possible future for the Dream Valley ponies.  Hypocrite? Why yes, yes I am. But heres the rub folks, at least I'm HONEST about it.

If it was just an amateur Youtube pony video online sort of deal doing this song, I wouldn't give as much of a damn or be a freaking livid as I am. But John De Lancy, Tara Strong, and ESPECIALLY Luaren Faust, they aren't showing the history of the franchise their apart of the respect that it's due. And with Luaren (Second Coming of Jesus) Faust it's especially infuriating. You grew up playing with your G1 ponies, grew up making stories and personalities for them. And THIS is how you pay your childhood and those like you who ALSO spent time playing with their pony dolls?

This is just... there are no words....

So, second line, coming out from the same behind!

And Generation Two, I do not mean to grouse and gripe, 
but these characters fell right into the "girly" stereotypes   

Mr. De Lancy, I have to ask, do I have to track down Avery Brooks to give you a taste of 'The Sisko' again? Because I am sorely, SORELY tempted to do so. The reason I ask is because you do NOT seem to be comprehending the whole “Toyline not cartoon” concept. Seriously, was EVERYONE on this documentary to damn lazy to do a freaking Google search? Because you want to know what I came across with a quick use of Google Fu? THIS! en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Little_Pony#Generation_Two
Seriously, five freaking seconds is ALL it would have taken to clear this up, but oh no, this is the BRONY documentary. Because, ya know, the toy franchise for little girls wasn't worth dung until a buncha guys (and Luaren “hallowed be Her name” Faust) got into it.

And then, we go the second little line “ these characters fell right into the "girly" stereotypes”.
What. The. HELL. Does. That. Even. MEAN!?

Girly stereotypes, what KIND of stereotypes De Lancy?

That's like saying “Oh, X Character is so COOL!” The concept is so vague and abstract (we talking Fonzes style coolness, Marty Mcfly style coolness, Bill and Ted coolness?) as to be complete and utter empty NOTHINGNESS.

Oh yes, because no show has ever had a studious bookworm smarty pants, a fanshionetta, a shy soft spoken character, a wacky silly character with a child like mentality, or an athletic tomboy. Or a southern cowgirl, no sir ree, no one's EVER done a cowgirl archetype before.

Yes, before Friendship is Magic came along, the My Little Pony franchise had NEVER used those archetypes before.

Oh wait: Firefly, Patch, Sunnydaze, Gusty, Heart Throb, Bon Bon, G3.5 Dash, Poesy, Sundanese, Sweet Stuff, Sweetheart, Wisteria, Truly (for the Southern Belle accent), G1 Applejack, Wind Whistler, Bright Eyes, Kimmono, G3  Pinkie Pie (girl has a hella good head on her shoulders), Melody, North Star (British pony with love of adventure for the win), Storybelle, Minty, Starlight, hell, Clover Bloom's been doing Derpy's shtick since 1992 and with more character depth to boot!
And that's just names from the show that I can remember off hand!

The simple fact of the matter is that the much beloved 'mane six' fall into just as many of My Little Pony's stable of reused character archetypes as Generations past. Now, that isn't to say that their all EXCATLY the same character wise, even with the overlapping archetypes.

For example, Wind Whistler may be Spock as a flying female pony, but frankly the Spock stock of character isn't ever used that much for female characters, so she still has a unique enough of a twist to work on her own right.

Bright Eyes, by contrast, is less 'logic and reason' and more 'responsibility and environmental science!' She is, in essence, the 1992 version of the likes of Lisa Simpson or Haley Smith (albeit much less self righteous). Now while those type of characters aren't always the most well liked or well done, I think Bright Eyes had potential to do that character type well. She was able to find love with the one boy pony NOT going though their 'jerk' phase at the time and even went out to rescue an endangered animal species with her friends. So an adult, scientist version of Bright Eyes is certain unique among the other smart ponies.

Then there's Kimono. She has wisdom and a playful sense of humor, but clearly cares deeply for her G3 Ponyville friends and values her friendship with them. Now  Kimono's wisdom is a different type of intelligence from Bright Eyes scientific training or Wind Whistler's self controlled and logical approaches to life.

Then we have Twilight, who is a STRANGE mishmash of Wind Whistler and Bright Eyes, but as a magic using unicorn/alicorn. On the one hoof, she reads, studies, and loves her some hot checklist on checklist action. As many times are there are her taking the logical approach to things, there's just as many infamous moments where she just plain doesn't THINK things through (Wind Whistler would be both impressed and very disappointed with Twilight, Bright Eyes would find her abuse of the scientific method to be annoying and maybe even a bit insulting, and Kimono would just question why she didn't just do the OBVIOUS thing during her more emotional moments).

So the point being, the meeting between the four smart ponies of Ponydom would be... interesting to say the least.

But I've side tracked long enough, not that I can be blamed for doing so I would think, on with the song.

And Generation Three is just too awful and too tragic,
so let's jump to Number Four, where Friendship is Magic!

Its at this point, the G3 part, which we don't even get a picture of, though apparently it's SO HORRIFYING that's it not only causes the Devianart level OCs (no, wait, that's an insult to DA Ocs) to gasp, I say, gasp but also causes Derpy's eyes to temporarily go straight.

Not sure which one I should be more offended by honestly, the fact that they don't even bother to show anything of G3, or the fact that it's so 'awful' that it's capable of making Derpy's vision straight for a moment or two. (By that logic is Candyland capable of curing blindness?) Because apparently the color pink is up there with Lovecraftian style horrors. Cthulhu, The Yellow King? Please, those chumps ain't got dung on the pants pooping doomness that is... TEH COLOR PINK!

Also, I was NOT aware that this derpicdn.net/img/2013/3/28/281786/full.jpg , this derpicdn.net/img/2013/3/7/264749/full.jpg, or this derpicdn.net/img/2012/12/31/198183/full.jpg was what constituted as “awful and tragic”. I honestly always quite liked the backgrounds of G3 myself, character models may have been a bit TOO “on model” for a toy franchise maybe, but the distinct voices/characters didn't make telling the individual ponies apart that difficult, at least for me that is.

Hell, considering the Princess Promenade did more to deconstruct the concept of what it means to be a Princess (with Runaway Rainbow acting as a reconstruction) in 50 minutes than Friendship is Magic did in tackling the concept in all of season four I would say that in some ways G3 is-

And once more I am getting off topic. Regardless, I will save my thoughts on G3 for when I get around to reviewing it.

So, next line.

All the characters compelling, and the stellar storytelling,
and the lovely animation, brought about great dedication

Okay, do I really even need to point out just how goddamn VAGUE 'compelling characters and stellar storytelling' is? Want to know what else has that? Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire. Want to know what also has completely stalled plotwise because the writer didn't bother to plan his “Originally Three novels turn seven book epic fantasy series” out? How the soap opera and cliffhanging 'strings' as it were are really starting to show? How we're five book (out of seven) into a series and the freaking ice zombies STILL haven't started attacking stuff yet?

That's right, Game of Thrones! Just because something has good storytelling and worthwild characters, doesn't mean that series or thing isn't without it's flaws or weakness.

Friendship is Magic may be a very good cartoon show, but that doesn't mean that between the botching of morals (though your milage will of course vary), characters, and plotlines, the usage of pop culture references that just at times don't make ANY in universe sense (why is Equestria even called that if the ponies aren't riden by anyone?), and the playful self awareness that gets just a touch... smug? Not really smug, but something close to it I guess.

It's on the next verse that we get all the different special little snowflakes that exist in the Brony community, who I can only assume never existed in an other fandom in the history of ever. And I figure the second verse may as well be where I bring up the Brony hate boner that's been showing for most of this rebuttal. People, when I say Brony/Brony community (in the context of this documentary/song) am I talking about the Bronies who worship at the alter of the Red Maned One, Lady Faust. Now to be sure, I'm sure there are plenty of Bronies out there who don't worship at the alter of the Faust or who don't treat the past pony generations like poop, but seeing as how this song is directed at those bronies that do, they are who I am referring to when I say 'Brony'.

Just so we clear.

And then we come to the third verse where we are graced by the presence of Tara “Twitter Attention Hog” Strong herself****
Tara: 

Hey! Forgetting somepony? 
It seems your little lesson left the fairer sex neglected 

John: 

Well when girls like little ponies, that's very much expected 

Tara: 

Even so, you can't ignore these fillies' contributions, 
we're involved in brony culture and we demand our inclusion! 

We attend all the conventions, create art and music, too, 
discuss the show, talk on forums, everything these dudes do! 

No, we're not bros, but we're bronies, 
though some prefer "pegasisters" 

This part of the song... I am conflicted on. While I like and admire the fact that the documentary took it's time to acknowledge that, you know, there are girls/women that are apart of the franchise that is aimed at little girls some strange part of me is still rubbed the wrong way by those words. … In a different, less RAGE filled, way than the first half of the song.

So Tara Strong is like, “We're a thing too ya know!”

And I'm like... Isn't that kinda obvious? I mean, aside from the target audience of little girls, the toy collectors have been running stuff like this www.mylittleponycon.com/the_event
or this www.facebook.com/MyLittlePonyTradingPost or this
www.facebook.com/pages/My-Little-Pony-Fair-and-Convention/230605296972598
For a good number of years, WAY before 2010 and the Brony fandom became a thing. I mean, if not for the little girls, who ELSE is going to buy these mini colorful horses other than the women (and men) who collect them?

But I have once more allowed by keyboard to wander. That (for the purpose of the milestone special at least) was the Let's Go Meet the Bronies song. And honestly, it does not paint a good picture of them. Not because they brush up/slightly acknowledge the existence of 'clop' but because it puts their own show/fandom on a pedestal at the cost of throwing everything that came before it history wise under a metaphoric bus. It makes them look arrogant and disrespectful and... honestly, like children. I mean, what other reaction to the (admittedly very) 'femininity' of G3 by gasping in shock fits other than that of a child?

And if you aren't going to respect the past, then why should I respect the present you 'Bronies' represent?

My advice? If you can at all find it, go with the documentary My Little Obsession. mylittleobsessionmovie.com/trailer.html

Look guys, the honest truth of it is I wouldn't be going my reviews of My Little Pony Tales if not for Friendship is Magic, I'll freely admit that chances are good I wouldn't be a pony fan today if not for Luaren Faust and FiM. I'll also say that I don't hate either her or the show. Really, truly, I don't. I might poke some sarcastic fun here and there but that's all it is, that's what all of my jokes are in the end (even if it might not always come off as I intend). As for Faust herself? Got nothing against her, love that she's of the 'sane, non Tumblr' brand of feminism. I love her ideals, of her philosophy that there's “more than one way to be a girl.” But here's the thing, Luaren Faust is not the end all and be all everyone.

In fact, I'd argue that the My Little Pony franchise has been supporting Faust's goals since the very beginning. Bon Bon is never mocked for her dream of become a fashion model, Sunny Daze for her outgoing, tom boyish personality, hell, Wind Whistler's episode is all about showing how despite being the 'cold, logical one' that she does in fact care for her friends and that her controlled, reasonable approach is often the correct one. Patch's many interests, hobbies, and tomboyishness is also never looked down upon as well.

People, I call myself the “the fourth rate, third bit, deadman's version of Sun tzu” because that's what I am. I KNOW damn well I'm not that great a humorist or pony reviewer, not when the likes of Striker 5 and Sun tzu are out there. But what I lack in any sense of actual comedy or timing I make up for in one very important factor in these reviews: I always look on the sunny side of things. I try to stay positive and find SOMETHING nice to say about an episode, even if it's one I'm not that crazy about.

I think that the Internet has enough Nostalgia Critics, Angry Video Game Nerds, Spoonies, Linkarias, Red Letter Medias, Cinema Sins, and How it Should have Endeds. The LAST thing it needs is another glasses using, fedora wearing 20 something white guy complaining about how this or that ruined/raped his childhood (oh how I HATE that phrase). The Internet, and more importantly, the world, has enough negativity in it. When I started my review/Watch of MLP Tales, the one thing I wanted above all else was to make sure that I kept this whole experience a positive one.

So, hopefully we can leave Negative Neg Junction behind as we once again board the Positivity Train and continue with my reviewing and watching of My Little Pony Tales. 13 down, 13 to go.

**(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OV-OF9wZWDs    www.pony.wallpaper-studio.com/Story.html )
***  www.mlparena.com/
**** For the record, I don't REALLY have anything against Mrs. Strong or her Twitter trolling for that matter. But the whole 'Queen of the Bronies' shtick does get a bit tiresome after a while, no?

[Al1701]

So the point being, the meeting between the four smart ponies of Ponydom would be... interesting to say the least.

This wouldn't be referring to a certain skit in my Crunch the Rockdog review, would it?

I hated that song. It is insulting the brand from which Friendship is Magic came. It does cater to the bronies who went onto videos of the older cartoons and posted venom like "kill it with friendship", "those ponies are fat", and "Faust hated G1". Even if it didn't lead into what was essentially a giant circle jerk, this song was terrible. How could Hasbro give their okay for this? How could Amy Keating Rogers write such hurtful lyrics? Is this the attitude of the showrunners towards the brand that cuts their paychecks?

[bobdude]

Hopefully I did justice in explaining just WHY this song is as petty and rage inducing as it is. And sadly, it's not a direct reference no, though I did have the smart ponies have a meeting in one of my fanfics, plus I just think the idea of the other smart ponies calling Twilight on her less than better moments would make for some interesting conflict (And for fairness sake, Twilight would have some stuff to throw back as well.

Yeah, normally I like Rogers, Strong, Faust, and De Lancy fine but this... This just makes me shake my head in shame. Oh the Showrunners take a great deal of pride in the brand, THEIR incarnation of the brand that is.

As for Hasbro, this is the company that thought that Kiss Transformers were a good idea. That Transformers that turn into freaking ANIMALS was a good idea (I don't care how GOOD Beast Wars is, it will ALWAYS be a just plain STUPID premises for a show.

Ironcially, while I have my own quibbles with his work as a whole, I think that fanfic writer Alex Warlorn GETS the MLP franchise best with his recently submitted G3 fic, highly recommended even for those who aren't big on G3:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/212324/1/my-little-pony-g3-pony-tales-vs-hatred/hugs-and-kisses-verses-the-black-storm

Certainly far more truer to the spirit of the franchise than THAT song.

[Al1701]

I also now want to see an Avery Brooks pony show up and punch out DeLancie's ponysona.

I personally have more ire for Equestria Girls than the Beast Warriors. At least the Beast Wars transformers are still transformers. They're still sentient robots from the planet Cybertron. They still assume alternate forms. The only difference is their alternate forms are animals instead of vehicles. And even that has a precedent going all the way back to the first year of G1. If the only way to get older girls interested in ponies is making them not ponies, why bother? However, this is off topic.

Back on topic, didn't they also make a plot joke about the G1 ponies being large? They did where when DeLancie gets to the "plots not being weighty" we get a picture of a bunch of G1's as seen from behind.

[bobdude]

Yes, yes they did. Meant to make a ranting comment about how the original source for that memme was slightly amusing, but now that joke's been run straight in the ground. Now I'm like, what's wrong with just saying butts or rear ends or behind even? Plot has NOTHING to do with pony booties. Also, Pony De Lancy wouldn't know an actual pony if it came up and hit him in the face (someone really needs to do art of a G1 Big Brother Avery Books punching G4 De Lancy.

Eh, agree to disagree. I'll take alternate portal universe of humans over lame and illogical (at least giant robots turning into machines makes SOME semblance of sense)transformations. And just because something has precedent, doesn't make it any more of a good idea in my eyes. I mean really, rats, wasps, rhinos, gorilla? How is it Purple Megatron is the ONLY one of them with a half way cool transformation (I will take purple t rex over the Overrated and Annoying Grimlock's lackluster design everyday of the week)? Point being, I want my giant robots to turn into cars and machines and stuff, animals is just too out there for my narrow minded brain to take.

As for why bothering, partly to take a piece of that sweet Monster High money pie (Like Ever After High better myself, also find it amusing to no end how the villains for Rainbow Rocks are Monsters going to a High school), partly to save the time of creating a wholly new IP from scratch, and really because little girls do like playing with human shaped dolls (broadly speaking that is). Hell, if the reports are anything to go by the Equestria Girls doll line seems to be doing pretty well with its intended audience, cheapness of the dolls aside. I mean if I was a little girl, I could see the draw of playing with both human and pony versions of my favorite characters.

[bobdude]

Review 14
You know, people often ask me if there’s a Misses Bob-Dude. Of course there is, this is her.
bob-dude.tumblr.com/post/104887235420/picture-of-my-girlfriend-love-ya-princess
So where has Bob been these past few months? The Bob has been busy. School work, TF2 stuff (mostly a Pro, Engi, and Heavy man myself), and working on and off on writing projects that I may/may ever get around to actually completing. But yeah, figure everyone could use an early X mas present (or whatever your winter holiday of choice is).
Speaking of significant others though, it’s time to roll back the clock to 1992 so we can… Roll around the Clock. … To Love!
Both Kayte Kuch and Sheryl Scarborough are returning for writing duties, just FYI.
Well regardless we open to the exterior shot of the local roller skating rink, the Rollarama with Bon Bon and some cholate brown pony (not to be confused with the cholate pony tumblr blog that is)Eh, not the greatest of names but after 4 seasons of pony puns, I’ll take it.
Also, a thought occurs to me that between the rink, the schoolhouse, the town square, the art gallery, the PTV studio, the jazzercise building (which I’ll be getting into at a later review), and all the other locations I’m no doubt forgetting, Nameless Pony Town/Coltenvillie really is sort of like the pony version of Hill Valley in terms of ambiguous size and all that.
Maybe what Blue Ribbon Blues really needed was a Doc Brown Cameo.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoZPqNnWHVc

But my inane ramblings aside, we cut to the inside of the building, where the REAL mane seven+ are practicing their skate skills with… the opposite gender?! www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw
What new spore of madness is- Oh, wait, forgot this was the group of friends that had some actual romantic based libido in them. Never mind.
So yeah, we got ourselves some new male ponies, sadly this is (I think) their only appearance in the show (thanks limited one season format!)
So inside the rink Melody shows off some made roller skating skills (Me, I was always five left feet with those dang things, all the grace of a drunk Turkey made of Jello) biped style and Ace reponds that he could do Melody’s twist spin jump in midair thing blind folded, and proceeds to do just that (minus the blind fold that is)
You know it’s scenes like these that really make me conflicted on if I should ship Mace (MelodyXAce, hey you think coming up with these silly cutesy ship names is easy?) or let Rock N Roll be Melody’s first and one real love, with her love life as a young adult being of the ‘Love them and leave them fast” variety. But enough of my pointless headcanonings!
Starlight comments to random blue pony with purple mane that they (Melody and Ace) are quite good and that there’s going to be a lot of competition for the roller skate contest. She then adds that she’s glad that blue pony is her partner. Blue pony says they’ll be perfect.
You know, if people can take the purely platonic friendships of G4 Rarity and Applejack, Samwise and Frodo, and Watson and Holmes, then god only knows what they would have made out of Starlight and Knoty’s tones of voice.
So then Clover and a blue pony with a messy blond mane skate by. Clover being Clover, they quickly trip and fall on their barrels, though blue/blond pony seems to be pretty easy going, laughing it off. Think is name MIGHT be Dandy, but Clover’s voice makes it hard to pick out with the background music going on.
Patch and a fellow hockey buddy named, well. Buddy, leap on past Clover and Dandy (or maybe Spin Top, given his flank symbol).
Teddy tries to get Sweetheart to crack the whip William style (Ei two leg style) but his skate pops off and they fail miserably with Teddy crashing his dark blue butt down on the ground for his troubles. Universe has a strange way of punishing Teddy for his misdeeds.
While the 1992 Rule 63 version of Rarity skates by we cut to the entrance office of the skate rink, where Bright Eyes is working part time, probably for extra money or something. Bright Eyes sets a stack of vinyl records (giving me flashing images of my family’s basement, ya couldn’t have collected baseball cards or something smaller, could ya dad?) *insert pic of records crates later when she hears a ringing in at the front desk. On her way over she proves herself to be the Clover (or if you will, Bob Dude) of roller skates when she falls down on mid-way.
Turns out its Bon Bon and cholate brown pony. Bon Bon asks if BE is in there, and Bright Eyes struggles to lift herself to the desk. Cholate brown pony asks for two tickets to the skate contest, and Bright Eyes takes off her front skates so she can rip off the needed tickets (for some reason that little bit amuses me a lot. No idea why…) but a ringing code phone (like the kind Bon’s older sister Misty has for a flank symbol) takes her attention away. Think CBP’s name is Danny, but don’t quote me on that. Eh, so long as Bon’s doesn’t accidently get him killed while talking on the phone and indirectly turning him into a zombie CyberPony, I think Danny will be okay.
Thankfully, it’s Mr. NotJerk Pony (aka Lancer) to the rescue! Kid’s apparently much closer to the phone as he picks it up before BE is barely half way across the room (which is very long now that I think about it, though this could just be wonky perspectives talking).
In all of Bright Eyes infinite wisdom, she decided to skate across the room biped style with only two skates on her hind legs. The only problem with this is give that BE is a quadaped by nature, she isn’t exactly the most graceful creature on 8 wheels (hell, she wasn’t the most graceful with 16).
Oh, and turns out Bright Eyes doesn’t know how to stop herself and bounces into Lancer. With a BONG sound effect. I am not making this up folks.
Man I knew Tales Ponyland had issues with the amounts of plastic in the kiddie cereal, but I didn’t think it was THAT bad. That or Tales ponies are just naturally bouncy like Tigger from the 100 Acer Wood. Or Bright Eyes and Lancer are just naturally bouncy together.
Lancer hoofs the phone over and BE takes it, pulling a Teddy as her aquamarine bottom and the floor start their sordid love affair. You know what, forget SweetTed or Brancer. BE’s butt and Rollamara floor is the REAL Ship paring in this episode.
BE says to the phone that they do still have more tickets (got more tickets there than G3 has pink. And G3 is going to have a LOT of pink at one point my friends, but that is for a future review.) once more getting back up to the table and placing the phone back on the receiver.
BE says Lancer can go and skate since she can hold down the fort and mane the tickets, but Lancer picks up the giant circle roll of tickets… only for it to go al unwound on Bright Eyes, tangling the poor girl up.
Lancer offers to get another roll of tickets and then get out of BE’s mane. BE looking at him with the same look from earlier (not quite sure is up with that scene there honestly) before her butt and the floor continue their make out session, ie she falls bottom first again.
Spin Top reminds BE about the ticket, and the girl does the smart thing and slinks along the ground, ticket roll skill wrapped around her. And yet she still looks more dignified then I ever did on those blasted things.
She manages to reach up to the ticket booth table and gives Bon and Brownie their tickets, with Brownie thanking BE.
Then Starlight, Clover, and Patch skate into the room. Probably helps that the door was wide open.
As Starlight helps BE get the roll of tickets off of her she (Starlight that is) mentions that Lancer doesn’t have a partner yet for the Local Yolkle Yodeling contest. Oh, and the skate contest too I guess.
Both Starlight and BE standup Biped style and look out at Lancer, who clearly has some skate skillzes on him. BE comments on Best Blue Pony’s abilities, saying that she’d probably just embarrassed him if she were his partner.
As Lancer is skating from a back room across the skating stage, Ace and Teddy skate next to him and say that BE doesn’t have a partner for the contest either.
So does this mean that Starlight and Ace are on the same wavelength? You know, got half a mind to turn the Tales love ‘triangle’ into a three way and call it a day at this point (curse you Tumblr!).
Lancer and the boys glance over to BE, who is helping out Rule 63 1992 Rarity and Lance comments on BE’s cuteness and how he like to be partners with her, but that it isn’t likely given how busy she is with the tickets and what not.
Ace says that Lancer has the wrong attitude and Teddy says that if he wants BE (as a skate partner) that he should go get her. Lancer, being not unlike the Great and Dudeful Bob, is too much of a nice guy to try something like that.
Meanwhile, Starlight, Bon Bon, Melody and Clover talk about how it’s obvious that BE has a thing for Lancer. Melody says that BE just needs a lesson in being sassy/charming. Mels, not everyone has your natural sass, we’ve gone over this.
Starlight, what with working part time at her family’s ice cream shop/mane salon, suggests a make over.
This can only end well, I can tell.
We cut to the Tales Hall of Justice, aka the Rainbow Beauty Salon, where BE is protesting her makeover saying she still has a lot of work to get done. But the rest of the girls insist that she’s already finished everything, and that all is left is to get her ready for Lancer.
Even Patch is here, which I mind amusing. But good to see that even the local tomboy is willing to indulge in some girlyness if it’s to help a friend (not so sure if she’d be crazy about it if it was happening to her though.).
Apparently this involves planting BE’s butt on a chair (that cheating rump!) and spinning her around like a top. Melody, you do know that Wonder Pony was just a TV show right?
We then cut to the TailTrio’s Hall of Justice, which in this case is a very solid looking tree house of all things. It even has an old couch and chair, the kind with the stuffing falling out and everything. I think this is the only time we ever see this place and it’s a shame, I actually kinda like it. Makes for an interesting, if a bit cliché gender role wise, contrast to the Ice cream bar the girls normally hang out with.
I have to say though, why they have a barrel on the outside of the house next to the door is beyond me.
So while the girls are giving BE their make over, Ace and Teddy are giving their own version of one for Lance. And what better way to do it then by singing?

That’s right, it’s time again for the Obligatory Tales Song!
*yaying sound effect*
It’s a cute little number that, while it lacks the trumpets and bombasticness of Think Again, still has it’s moments. Also, Teddy, you have a most ONE on and off GF, I really doubt your one to talking about having girls hanging all over you. Furthermore, we all know who’s REALLY going to be holding the lease in your relationship when the two of you get older.
Bon Bon apparently clearly subscribes to the idea of the closest way to a pony’s heart is through their stomach. You best be taking some Notes there Patch ;D
Patch, being Patch, finds exercising the to a good way to get a boys attention. Depending on one’s interests, she’s not wrong there people.
Basically, their respective viewpoints can be summed as: Act like Brooding Bad Boy (Lancer) Who Just Doesn’t Care and Pretty AirHead with Sassy and Style (BE).
Yup, can’t see this going wrong anywhere.
Song ends with them looking like this.
*insert pic
Given that this is the part of the 90s where the 80s still held it’s firm but dying grip, I’d say this kids came out okay in the end all things considered. Look less silly then those 80s ponies from Putting Your Hooves Down at least.
So we cut back to the Rollarama rink where Lancer is skating about with his skill-but-not-as-silly-as 2010s era-sunglasses shades and blue and white headband.
Saucy Eyes (who is hanging out with Starlight, Melody, Patch, and Cover) expresses doubts at this whole thing and tries to skate off, but Starlight grabs her by the tail. Curse you pony anatomy!
Lancer expresses his own doubts of this plan working, but both Ace and Teddy launch him towards BE, while the girls do the same for our favorite pony environmentalist.
Sadly there is less BONGing this time, as both Lance the Pants** and Saucy Eyes stop a foot or so away from one another. Pity, that BONG sound effect amused me.
A moment of adorkable awkwardness passes between the two, before an imaginary mini version of Ace appears to give Lance advice. Tells him to say how cool HE (Lancer). Because, you know, why would a girl want to be complemented or anything like that?
Lancer’s idea of cool? Having the largest book collection in school.
Elsewhere in the Multiverse.
Storebelle: HA!
Meanwhile, back in the year 1992, even Ace has to facehoof at that. Could be worse imaginary Ace, he could have talked about how awesome his doll is with it’s pad of paper and mini pencil, for pretend homework nights! Even BE would think that would be pretty sad and pitiful.
Thankfully though, she takes it with indifferent stride. Then imaginary mini Melody (try saying that 10 times fast) pops up and suggests that BE should whip her mane back and forth. Thus netting her 15 minutes of fame before everyone realizes how freaking annoying her song really is- Wait, no, that’s a different thing.
Unfortunately, this leads BE to catching the horrible desieze of “Hair in mah eye”ites. Could be worse. Girl could have gotten introitis. So basically BE butt continues it’s scandalous make out session with the Rollarama floor. Is it really slut shaming if it’s a pony’s rear end? Wouldn’t that make it more… butt shaming?
…
Seriously, not even the crickets?
Okay then, so my fail at punning aside, imaginary mini Teddy shows up to Lancer, and says that now’s the time to make fun of BE. Ted, this is why Sweetheart is going to be controlling your relationship in more than JUST the bedroom when you two get older.
Lancer makes a weak joke (though not as weak as half of my material) at BE’s expense.)
It’s at this point that the rest of the imaginary mini Mane Seven pop in, each with different bits of advice.
Patch suggests dumping him, while Bon Bon suggests giving him a drug laced cookie to knock him out so she can carry him back to her underground bakery worship and fatten him at her convenience and-
Ah, seems I got the show plot mixed up with my Tales expansion fetish Cupcakes rewrite plotline***
So while the girls and Teddy are babbing, imaginary mini Ace and Melody inch closer together.
Ace: So, want to get together and make out when all this is done?
Melody: What are you talking about? None of us actually exist, we’re just a clever metaphor for abstract thought and pony peer pressure.
Ace: So that’s a no then?
Melody: (winks Saucily) Didn’t say that, now did I?
Eventually all of this conflicting advice cumulates in Lancer and BE yelling at their imaginary mini friends, telling them to buzz off and get lost. Unfortunately, both think that the other is telling them to do that.
BE makes a comment on how she didn’t realize Lancer could be such a jerk, while Lancer comments on how he didn’t think that BE could be such an airhead. Strangely, I actually like the airhead comment. Shows that Lancer is attracted to BE more than just her physical appearance.
Both Ace and Melody expression confusion and disappointment at their OTP not becoming a thing.
We cut to some ambiguous amount of time later (could be later the afternoon, few days later, who the heck knows. Space is warped and time is bendable my friends) where Bright Eyes is giving out tickets for the contest. After Brownie and Bon’s go through, she puts her front hooves on her face and sigh.
Then she realizes that it’s not a roller contest without some fat beats yo (because that’s how people talked hip in 1992??). Quick cut of Lancer at the record player and BE makes her way over with a huge stack of vinyls.
And much like before, BE lands on her butt. Guess the floor took it back after all. What’s really amazing however, is the fact that the vinyls haven’t shattered into a billion little crackly pieces. I mean just what the heck are these record MADE out of. Then again this is the world where cardboard makes metallic sounds when hit, so I guess my MST3K quote was more apt then even I realized.
Lancer skates over and offers to helps BE up. We have some more adorkableness between Eyes and Lancer, which is only SLIGHTLY negated by the fact that BE moves her head, knocking the records that were resting on top like a Janga piece come clattering down to the floor.
BE accepts Lancer’s offer and admits that she wasn’t acting like herself.
Lancer: I thought I’d have to do something truly, TRULY outrageous just to get you to notice me!
BE once again brings up the fact that she isn’t a very good skater, but Lancer says he can teach her and with that their off and the contest is one.
Fun fact, the BGM is apparently that little rock riff that the Cleveland Bays play. I’m okay with this personally, more rock in the world is only a good thing far as I’m concerned.
So while Lancer and Bright Eyes are lost in in the rhythm that is the power of skate dancing, the contest wages onwards!
And our announcer pony guy is… Corny’s dad?! Granted, different pony but it’s clearly the same VA. Eh, oh well. Least nameless VA guy has a rich, chocolatey voice of awesomeness to listen to.
Announcer pony goes onto explain that he’ll be the one eliminating teams, last one standing will be the next Ponylander- I mean, winner of the Rollarama skate couples tournament thingy.
… ANNNDDD both Clover and blue pony fall to the ground barrel first. Ah. I see that the floor is paying Bright Eye’s butt back for cheating on it like it did.
Blue coat/blond mane pony says it was nice while it lasted, but Clover laminates that she wishes it could have lasted longer. Not sure why she’s complaining, I mean the antidote reversed the Passion Patties weight gain effects and- Oh, wrong Clover****
Next on the old chopping block is Teddy and Sweetheart. Teddy, being a block head, clearly learned nothing as he tries to once again Crack that Whip. This sends poor Sweetheart butt bumping into the judge, which is apparently against the rules as the two are disqualified.
Ace and Melody follow, with each of them trying to out “Ta-Da” the other, only for both of them to come crashing down to the floor and blaming the other for the fall. Why do I get the feeling this is some WEIRD foreshadowing of their potential love/married life together?
Bon Bon and Spinny Top Pony aren’t even skating, their just following Anthroquestria Mrs. Harshwhinnie’s philosophy of letting their stomachs have their fair say. Unforntantly, as the judge reminds them, this is a skating contest, not an eating contest. Though if it was, these two would win ALL the eating contests. ALL of them.

But yeah, they get thrown out of the contest.
Patch and Buddy are playing hockey. In the middle of a roller skating contest. No guesses as to how this one turns out people. Interesting thing to note though, Coltenvillie/Ponyland/Nameless Tales Town has a hockey team. We need a name for this team people, I don’t care HOW punny it is, we NEED it Dang it!
So this just leaves both Bright Eyes and Lancer, who are showing freaky high amounts of skating skillzels. Seriously, this is the first time either of them have skating together and their pulling off Pony Olympic level stunts. If Lancer wasn’t loaded, these two could probably roller dance for a living and make a pretty good deal of it.
So between their crazy good skate skills, and everyone epically FAILING at skating as couples, Lancer and Bright Eyes win by default!
Melody and Ace are confused as to why/how Brance became a thing, with Melody saying that Bright Eyes didn’t follow any of their rules and Ace remarking that Lancer came off as a loser.
Sweetheart, being the romantic of the group, comments that they don’t look like losers to her (in a adorable voice that only 1992 Maggie Blue can pull off) and that they look perfect together.
I see Sweetheart was into shipping before a majority of Tumblr’s users were even born.*X5
And our episode ends with Lancer and Bright Eyes holding their hard earned trophy together.

So yeah, this episode by itself is sweet, if not terribly standoutish from past and future episodes to come, but I like it. I think both Lancer and Bright Eyes make a cute, and more importantly, normal couple compared to the Tales Love Triangle and the ongoing drama of Sweetedy. (Like I said, ship names are HARD). Makes for a nice contrast I think, plus I like how these kids clearly like one another for more than just the physical. It’s sweet.
Plus, if you’re into shipping and OTPs and all that, then this episode was MADE for you.





To ship or not to ship, that is the question within this episode.
Personally, I think the guy ponies that aren’t Ace, Lancer, and Ted are all optional. Could be potential boyfriends, could be just ‘friends who happen to be guys’ (coughPatchandBuddycough). As for Tales triangle, I’ll go into more depth in that one when we get to Just for Kicks.
Next time Patch becomes a winged/horned freak of nature and 1992 BBS message boards go ablaze with rage, with their battle of ‘EARTHY NOT PRINCESSY’ as we encounter ourselves some Princess Problems.

*Well it finally happened people, I’ve finally hit an all new low! Ripping off Seth Mcfarland jokes! And they said it couldn’t be done (badly).
+ Because forget G4 Spike and his on/off emotional problems, at least G1 and G3 Spike had their collective stuff together emotionally speak.
** And for those of you who wish to point out that Lancer isn’t wearing any pants, well let me remind you that neither doesn’t Fancy Pants in Fim, and yet no one ever gives HIM any pony poo over the weirdness of his name.
*** There is no Tales expansion fetish Cupcakes rewrite plotline. That cupcake is sadly a lie.
**** Note to self, request art pic of Tales cast replacing Totally Spies cast from the Passion Patties episode.
*X5 Because ‘before it was cool’ would have been too predictable.

[bobdude]

Review 15

It FINALLY HAPPENED!

puzzljab.deviantart.com/art/R...shed-494323802

Bloomicorn people, Bloomicorn! The fact that I requested it does nothing to diminish it in my eyes!

Oh, and Tales is FINALLY getting a DVD release, so there’s that. www.tvshowsondvd.com/news/Lit...V-Series/20624

Which means I can finally say the words “Please support the offical relase” and have it actually mean something.

This time around we get ourselves another Patch episode, but before we can get to the episode proper, we have a quick little ‘After These Messages’ promo courtesy of one Mrs. “Susan F.” Hackney.

But yeah, our episode properly opens with a bunch of little ponies (litter than our Mane seven that is) gathered around a hole in a vertical wood fence, that I might add lacks any sort of coat of paint on it, white or otherwise. Clearly what we need is an uncouth trickster colt from 1830s-40s era Missouri to get on that job.
Also we once more have Kayte Kuch and Sheryl Scarborough returning for writing duties. This is only a good thing as far as I’m concerned.
So we cut to inside the fence, where the Mane Seven have been working on a new playground for what are apparently a pony orphanage. This is both very sweet (I can only assume that the girls did it out of the goodness of their hearts, since I doubt this is the sort of thing that pays and I REALLY doubt they're worried about college at their ambiguous ages of Tenish) and a little unsettling, because, well, it’s a pony orphanage people. Still, props to Kayte Kuch and Sheryl Scarborough for not over dramatizing the issue, plus I think it adds a nice bit of realism, old hat though it might be.

Patch trots over to the gate where a random orphan pony (henceforth called rop) asks if their playground is ready yet. Patch unlatches the gate, unknowingly setting lose the Horde of Cuteness that is Random Orphan Ponies. Also, she gets smacked by the gate accidentally.

Tis funny because slapstick.

As Patch shakes her head to get her handkerchief out of her eyes (all the girls are wearing them, to catch sweat or something I guess. Quite like Starlight’s blue one with silver stars on it, though I’m afraid of Melody’s head falling off if she removes hers. That or she has a bad toothache.)

So as the ROPs play on their new playgrounds (girls did a pretty bang up job considering their ten and NOT professional construction workers. Then again as an Eagle Scout I know full well what a bunch of able hands and willing bodies are capable of when working together… That came out odder than I meant it too. Oops), Melody gives us some helpful exposition, asking if Patch really used to live at Ponyland Orphanage (Not officially named that, but given the naming theme in Tales, my guess seems a fair one to make), Patch says she did, until her parents adopted her.

Hurem, think I got a clip for that.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdhhQhqi_AE

Thank you overrated movie director guy and semi funny/unfunny sketch comedy show (seriously, the four little ponies of the apocalypse was the ONLY thing you guys could come up with?).

So, yeah, Patch is an orphan. The exact details of which we never learn about sadly (did her birth parents give her up willingly? Was it just that the knew they couldn’t give her a good quality life? Was patch one of those ‘baby on the doorstep’ sort of deals? All questions for the ages) but I actually think it’s pretty cool that the writers went and did something as non traditional as what they did. I like it. But I’ll get into all that later.

Rosey, who’s sitting by a different section of the fence painting a rainbow (who is about the same age as the girls, not the ROPs), says that living at the orphanage isn’t all bad, but admits that having parents of her own would be nice.

What? You mean you don’t remember Patch’s friend from the orphanage? That’s silly talk dear reader. Just pure silly talk. Why just look at all these pictures… that I don’t actually have- Why just IMAGINE all of those past Tales episodes, but think a blue maned pony with yellow eyes in there somewhere. So she’s sort of like the Tales version of Derpy, only with actual character and personality. So she’s nothing like Derpy then (HEYO!).

I mean, who goes and introduces a new character halfway through a shows run I mean that would be just silly. Isn’t that right Yoda, Boba Fett, and Best Han (aka Lando)? What do you think Winston from Ghostbusters? Shining Armor? Most of the original G1 Autobots? Your thoughts good sirs?

… Okay, fine! This is the first time we’ve seen Rosey, okay? Happy now?

So Patch comforts her friend (Pachsy is best SHIPlol!) and says that she’s sure to get parents one day, before commenting on Rosey’s rainbow, which I should have only has four colors to it. In fairness, from Watson perspective, it’s very likely the orphanage just didn’t have enough money for all seven colors, and Rosey is just working with what she’s got.

From a Doylist perspective, need I remind everyone that this was animated in Korea on what was most likely a shoestring budget from a company that is NOT Disney, and therefor back in 1992 probably couldn’t spends oodles of moe mones even if they wanted to (oh but the giant robots get their dumb animal transformation show done by freaking Mainframe! There’s no justice in the world sometimes, I think) Just thought I’d bring that up.

Bon Bon calls out for everyone’s attention, and they head over to the fence where they see a carriage ride by. We have a fancy blue carriage driver atop the carriage while two much larger, much more different horse-sized ponies pull the carriage. So we have ponies pulling ponies around.

…. Well okaydoka then.

Oh, look, it’s the return of our good friend the pluto paradox. For those of you who don’t know, the pluto paradox refers to how Mickey Mouse’s pet companion (Pluto) and one of his best friends (Goofy) can both be dogs yet exist in the same reality. Why does Goof get to wear that silly hat of his, yet all ole Pluto gets is a dog collar? (or why is Goofy biped and Pluto a four legged dog for that matter?)

Honestly, who cares? Ducks don’t wear sailor suits and mice don’t wear button pants with white gloves either, so I think the fact that we have what are CLEARLY a sort of pony subspecies (think what apes are to us humans) helping out their more evolved cousins is probably the least fridge logic thing here.*

So my mild rant aside, the girls comment on the fancy carriage passing them by, Melody, being Melody, thinks that only a rock star would ride around in something like that (maybe if they had a big enough of an ego so basically any rock star ever) but both Sweetheart and Starlight respectful say that a princess or Queen could also be possible.

Guess we’re just going to ignore Kings and Princes as possibilities then. K.

But our mane heroines theories about the fancy carriage are interrupted when they hear a clattering clash. To the surprise of no reader of these reviews by now, it’s Clover (who has a nice lavender ball cap with her hip symbol on it), who somehow messed up the process of putting the paint away.

Have I mentioned that Clover is basically me IRL? Because she totally is.

Patch helps our 1992 version of Shady up (asking if she’s okay, which Clover replies in a dazed sort of voice that she is), not noticing a drop of red paint falling on her front hoof in the process. Clover says she’s glad that they're finally finished and Patch offers to buy everyone ice creams sodas (Oh sure Patch, you’ll buy them but we know that Starlight’s the one who’ll be making them in the end). Patch offers Rosey the chance to join them, but Rosey says she wants to finish up her rainbow (in fairness, there is still a lot of fence to paint up).

Quick, to the 1992 version of the of Pop Tates’s Chok'lit Shoppe!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yic7IRO9d6I

So at the Rainbow Beauty Salon and Ice Cream Parlor six of the Mane Seven (minus Patch) are gathered around a table in the center of the store chattering about whatever it is girls between the ages of 10-14 chattered about in 1992. I’m guess it’s the upcoming Mayoral election between Pony Bush and Pony Clinton. Because dated political references.

Also, small aside here but apparently Ruby Pinch can travel the multiverse, cuz I think she’s sitting in one of the booths in the background with another pony, while Carrot Top and some other different nondescript pony are sitting at the next table over from the girls.

Dangit G4 ponies, can’t you stick to your own generation without bringing the hordes of pointless headcanons with you?**

So Patch trots up with a (strawberry? Strawberry) milkshake (Guess StarMom is working the countertop at the moment) and asks what’s up.

(also, we go from a wide shot of the girls in the center while seeing the corner of the parlor, with the jukebox in the far left corner of the girls near what I can only guess is a trashcan, to a side shot of the green with red railing countertop (when Patch asks what's happening) and a small window that I assume leads to the kitchen. Personally, as I’ve said before in the past, I quite like the Rainbow parlor myself, it’s got the charm of Arnold's without the overly 90sness of the Max. Plus its got ponies yo)

Clover, who is so excited she can barely stick with one descriptive word to say how flipping awesome this news is, says (basically) that this is the most awesome thing in the history of ever and points to a magazine ad.

Patch glances down at the mag and frowns. “What’s a Brony? That like a pony made of brownies or something?”

Clover: Not that, this!

Patch glances down at the page and (since much like Equestria, Tales Ponyland seems to follow the writing style of Chickenscratch for lettering) reads out what the big news is. Turns out the King and Queen are coming to Ponyland (so does this make Ponyland the Canada of the Little Pony multiverse? Because that would explain so much), and Patch comments that that must who had been in the carriage they saw earlier.

Starlight adds that that isn’t the only thing, they’ve come looking for their long lost daughter (Tales verse must be quite large if they’ve only now gotten to the nameless town of our seven heroines).

Sweetheart bedroom eyes/some how gets high (?) off of the idea of a ‘Really truly princess pony’ while Bon Bon, being best future BBP model, snacks on ice cream. Whatever floats your boat Sweetheart (unless she’s making bedroom eyes at Bon Bon’s eating of ice cream that is. Dangit Bon Bon, why must you be so seductively super sized in my headcanons?)

Bon takes a break from eating to say that the pony princess could even be in their own ice cream shop. Meanwhile Starlight is thinking: OUR ice cream shop, Bon’s just because your a butter colored black hole and our best customer, doesn’t mean you actually own a part of the store!

I wouldn’t be too sure of that Starlight, just look at most Star War babies, I mean, ‘fans’. Because nothing says being a fan like insulting and degrading the character of the person who made the thing you like and criticising every little thing they did that you don’t-.

And then Star Wars fans became the Brony analysts community. And vice versa.

Well my shallow take thats aside, Melody gets up on her back legs and comments how cool it would be to be a princess, before trotting around with her eyes closed, no doubt imagining herself being a princess***

Sweetheart, being she of the sugary blood pumping organs, comments on the romanticness of the whole situation.

Patch, being Patch, remains basically indifferent this whole ordeal and asks what “All this Princess nonsense” has to do with any of them, what with them being ten year olds who act like teenagers because writers.

Also, apparently that window from before just holds plates and stuff, so it’s more a glorified case more than anything.

Starlight turns a page on the magazine (while Clover seems to have come down with a case of the jittery front hoof) and proceeds to read off some very interesting info: The Princess was lost at sea on her birthday, March 16th. She has yellow eyes, bright pink hair, and a red birthmark on her front right hoof.

Needless to say, with each bit of new info, the gang becomes more excited because only one of them happen to fit that description. And that pony is Clover Bloom. Who then gets transported to a magic realm where Molly and Danny in pony form starts singing about all of her past accomplishments and-

Wait, no, that that’s the other purple horse in the slice of life cartoon. Turns out it’s Patch of course!

In spite of Patch pointing out the very obvious logic that lots of people (translation convenience? *nods* Translation convenience) have a birthday of March 16th, the girls chime in that who else has the hair and eye color going for them in addition to the birth date.

When Starlight pulls out Patch’s hoof, revealing the paint from earlier, Patch comments that she never noticed that before (in fairness, how many of us really take the time to look our bodies over these days? I sure as heck don’t) and Starlight replies that it’s a good thing she found it them.

Starlight; yer a princess Patch! And then Starlight became a fuzzy pink giant pony with a neigh incomprehensible accent while Patch grew two wings and a horn and her eyes grew three sizes that day, freaking the buck out of everyone and- No, wait, that’s my ‘G1 ponies react to turning into G4 ponies with body horror’ fanfic. Sorry bout that folks.

It’s at this point that everyone starts celebrating. Melody is excited that she’s now best buds with a Princess (which really is the next best thing to being a Princess without having to worry about that pesky ‘responsibility’ nonsense).

Bon Bon starts semi-jumping/leaping around, saying that this calls for a cake worthy of their new princess pony friend while Patch tries to remain level headed about all this, saying that this princess stuff can’t be true (and when Patch is the level headed one of the group, sister do you have problems) but Bright Eyes recites all the listed stuff, and honestly from an in universe look at things, it is mighty compelling info.

Sweetheart gets all teary eyed, saying that she always knew Patch was special (yeah,both you and the Glow n Show ponies apparently).

Patch comments that her parents always said she was special too (awww!) and then decide, eh, what the heck? And declares that may just be a princess after all.

Elsewhere in the Pony multiverse

Wisteria: *shakes her purple head* Oh you poor sweet child of summer. You have NO idea what you're getting into.

Okay, fine, that doesn’t actually happen.

What does happen is that the mane seven all get up from their seats (Bon Bon and Melody are galloping for whatever reason while everyone else is dancing Williams style) and start cheering.

It’s at this point that Best Little Pony Rosey trots in and Melody (who is dancing upright with Bon Bon) gives the news that Patch is apparently a princess and that they’ll need Rosey’s help to get Patch ready to meet the King and Queen of the Isle of Pony (are you a bad enough pony to help get the Princess ready to met her long lost parents? Well, are ya punk?). Also, I am now very tempted to make a Belody (Bon Bon X Melody) ship fic. Because seeing those two dance is very cute ^^.

Rosey literally doesn’t bat an eye at this news, which I personally find pretty amusing myself and has no issue with agreeing to help. She even says “Sure, whatever you say.” so nonchalantly, as if her orphan pony friends are discovered to be very important ponies every other week or what have you.

So with that, our 8 little ponies burst through the saloon style doors (which were already opened on the inside when Rosey came in not five seconds ago) and they rush off to Patch’s house, thankfully averting any silly ideas that she actually lives in the tea party house or something dumb like that.

Speaking of Casa la Patch, it’s got a white picket fence, white wood house plating, a barrel over a storm drain, and a bunch of other stuff. It’s simple, but effective in my eyes, much like the previous Tales homes, I think its groundedness gives it a sort of charm.

So the girls all dash inside and say a quick hello to AdoptivePatchMom, who gives Patch a kiss on the forehead and asks if they want milk and cookies (awww). Patch says they’ve got no time and the Mane Seven plus Special Guest Star Rosey run off to her room (which I can only assume is on the second floor?).

Patch digs through her clothes, commenting that she doesn’t know what a Princess should wear. Her friends (Who poke their heads out of a massive pile of clothes) comment that they have to do better than this.

And what better way to gus a Tomboy pony up than through the power of singing montages!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4oChhxqU4w

[bobdude]

Part 2

After the song is done, Patch can’t help but feel a bit nervous about all of this.

Bright Eyes: Something wrong Patch?

Patch: It’s just that I don’t feel all that confident about this princess stuff.

Clover: If only there were other Princesses we could talk to.

Starlight; Clover, that’s it!

Clover: It is? What is?


Starlight: We’ll just use our Mr. Hackney’s time machine/spaceship to go back to a time where there were more Princesses around!

Melody: You mean the same Mrs. Hackney that’s really a time traveling space alien?

Starlight: The same. Now come on girls, we got only five minutes left in the episode!

*one scene transition later*

Starlight: Well girls, here we are! The original Ponyland, a land full of magic and wonder and-

White Princess Pony: I AM BEST PRINCESS PONY!

Blue Princess Pony: No, ME BEST PRINCESS PONY!


Orange Princess Pony: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

*Mane Seven all watch in horror as Princess Ponies start being the ever loving stuffing out of each other with their bare hooves. A few moments later, a cone hat rolls next to Clover, who picks it up, wiping some of the blood off it in the process.*

Clover: Hey look Patch, now you have the hat of a princess at least.

Patch:... Thanks Clove.

Starlight: So…. everybody want to head back into the SIDRAT?

*everyone nods in numbed horror as they quickly trot back to the machine and head off*

Starlight: Right, so the past proved to be a bust. Anyone up for alternate dimensions and stuff?

Patch: So that’s pretty much my situation, what do you think Princess W?”


Wisteria: Please, Patch, just call me Wisteria. As for your situation, just remember you can always say no if you really aren’t comfortable with the life of a princess.

Patch: You mean I can say no to all this stuff if I want to?

Wisteria: That, or you can just make your friends princesses as well.

Patch:... But won’t that completely devalue the entire concept if there’s multiple Princesses running around?

Wisteria: *smiles slyly* I know.

Meanwhile: The rest of the Mane Seven Plus Rosey are riding the local Ponyville rollercoster*

Melody: THIS IS THE BEST CROSSOVER EVER!

Clover: I think I’m going to hurl. *face turns green*

*some time later, back on the SIDRAT*

Starlight: Well, Patch, you have the hat of a princess, and you got some good advice from a real princess, feeling a little better?

Patch: I guess so.

Bright Eyes: How about one more trip before we return to the episode? How about Equestria?

*One PROWV warping later and the Mane Seven step out of the SIDRAT*

Starlight: Equestria.

Bright Eyes: Equestria!

Melody: Meh. Looks like they made it out of construction paper.

Twilight Sparkle: Hello there, have you heard about the magic of fri-

Starlight; OH MY BUCK WHAT THE BUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?!

Sweetheart: MY EYES!

Clover: My brain, it burns!

Melody: BACK TO THE SIDTHINGY!

PROWV-PROWV-

Mane Six:....

Rarity: Well, those fillies were quite rude, to say the least.

*Final transition scene of laziness*

Starlight: Well, Patch, feel any better?

Patch: *sits in a green easy chair* I dunno guys, this doesn’t really feel like me.

*Everyone face hooves and the episode ends*

.
..
…

Okay, fine. The song ends and Patch expresses her doubt about her new look and Melody is all like, ‘yo a princess now sista, work it gurl.’ but with 19% less Sapphire Shores impersonation.

Rosey agrees that Patch does look quite nice, and starts wiping her dripping blue mane with a towel. Apparently she’s a pinkettet (thanks Naruto fanfiction, thanks a lot). Also, the sound pony manes in this universe make when rubbed with a towel is very… squeakyish. Tis an amusing sound.

So Starlight says that they need to get going, but Patch walks over to her window and looks down at her adoptive dad, and winner of the most yellowest pony in Ponyland award five times running (seriously, dude looks as if he bathes in mustard for crying out loud), Patchdad. Pachdad is lifting some wood planks on a wheeled cart thingy.

I’ma go with the idea that Patchdad is the pony version of Tim Taylor from Home Improvement. Because if two ponies who stand next to each other can become as closed to a canon romantic pairing as a Y-TV rating will allow, why not this?

Point being is that Patch, being clearly uneasy about this whole Princess thing, says she wants to go down and help her dad with whatever wood based thing it is he’s doing. Clearly, she has never seen one of his episodes before.

Sweetheart glares mildly at her and says that a princess would never do something so ordinary.

Meanwhile, in the Crystal Empire.

Twilight: I give-URP- up. I couldn’t eat another bite.

Luna: I am afraid I must-BURP- agree. That, I do believe, makes you the winner Cadence.

Cadence: *smirks and opens her mouth to reply but is cut off by a-* BURRRRAAAAPPPPPPPPP!

Rarity: *crying huge river of tears* EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE!

Meanwhile, back in the Pony version of Hill Valley.

Melody then says that Patch should get with the program, and that as a Princess, Patch won’t be living with her adoptive parents anymore. This is especially bad for the parents, seeing as how they’ll have to change their name back to just Mom and Dad from before.

Patch does not take this news well, looking all sad and gloomy as a result. Rosey and the rest of the Mane Seven, however, simply ignore her feelings, thus making this THE WORST EPISODE EVER! Rise up my fans and bombard whatever social media sites that WORST WRITERS Kayte Kuch and Sheryl Scarborough use with emotionally hurtful statements and comments.

Also, you guys should totally check out my scripts for my new show that will totally get accepted by the networks even though we have no universe bible or set character bios, or any idea of the complexities that go into actually making a fully animated cartoon show, and the scripts that we do have play the characters and plots completely safe and by the book, but the networks will totally take it when they see it glory, even going so far as to cancel THAT DAMN BIRD AND BREAD SHOW just to make room for it on the network! It’s called Groaning Around. Look for the pilot sometime around 20??!****

But yeah, mini Tales herd charges down the stairs and out the doorway just as MusteredDadPatchPonyTheThird come in. Dude has a freaking typewriter for a flank symbol. Least I THINK it’s a typewriter. You know things are sad when J.B. Fletcher has adapted to modern technology, and your stuck with an out of date flank symbol. Poor PatchDad and Misty.

So Patchmom comments on how nice Patch looks, with Patch dad saying that she’s a real beauty, but that he thinks that even when she’s covered in dirt.

Have I mentioned how much I really like the Tales parents? Cuz I really do. It’s nice to see parents that are just so naturally supportive of their kids but aren’t afraid to dish out appropriate punishment when needed.

PatchMom then comes up with the idea that Patch must be going out for an audition at the Little Pony Theater (no idea if it’s capitalized or not, and if it is it’s probably not referring to the species name like was implied in MLP n Friends.). Cearly, PatchMom, you should have seen Patch’s Shakespony audition. Girl could swash some buckles with the best of them me thinks.

All of this, needlesstosay, makes Patch even more unsure about all of this. Patch says that you could sorta call it an audition. PatchMom and Dad give her permission to go to the ‘audition’, with Patch mom giving her a hug and dad saying that they just want her to be happy.

And with that bit of guilt tripping, Starlight (who is with everyone else in the doorway and all of whom have happy/excited expressions on their faces) tells Patch to get moving and Patch tells her parents that she loves them, giving them a quick hug before she runs off.

We then cut to… The Isle of Pony Emissary building? I dunno, it’s a big two story building with red place-style pointy towers on the corners and roofing and has a metal gate (which has a cute heart symbol on top). Bout as best a guess as I can make people.

So we get a close up shot of 50 gaijillion background ponies, before the camera focuses in on the Mane Seven plus Rosey.

Melody dismisses all of the ponies in front of them, saying that none of them can come close to matching Patch. Given that one of those ponies is freaking blue (the princess has a red mane and yellow eyes I might add), I can’t say I blame her.

Clover says she can’t see, and climbs one of those nearby rectangle net things (the girls are near some first floor windows to the side of the building), but being Clover, the rectangle net thingy falls out from under her and she crashes to the ground.

On the upside, the gang now has a much clearer view of what’s going on inside this castle-sized building.

Green maned King Pony and Earth Pony Rosedust place a crown on some nameless background schmuck but much like Harry trying out for his first wand, the bgp quickly gets rejected after a tiara is placed on her head.

Elsewhere in the multiverse

Jewel Sparkles: My tiara senses are tingling!

Storm E. Sky: You always say that.

Back in 90s Ponyland, what I find interesting is the fact that the King and Queen of the isle of pony sparkle and have echoey voices. Sparkles, I’m watching you. Always watching you.
I swear if this episode turns into some thinly veiled stand in for Mormonism I’m outta here.

And then Moki steps up next… even though she has blue hair…. and shouldn’t be appearing for at least another…. 10 episodes? Or is this just the Maneland Ponyland version of Moki? Or is this another Changeling deal like back in And the Winner Is/ If it’s the last one I got 7th Doc and Cadence on speed dial if need be.

Outside the window, Rosey comments now nice the King and Queen and how lucky Patch is. Patch repeats the lucky comment in a sad voice and matching expression.

So we cut to later, where the last of the background herd is leaving and looking all down in the dumps, and fancy blue pony (aka pony who was controlling the carriage from earlier) says “Next.” in what I can only assume is a completely authentic 100% natural British accent.

Patch gets cold hooves and decides to try and make a run for it, but Melody is having none of that nonsense (she’s going to be the best friends with a Princess even if it kills her, and by her I mean Patch) and grabs Patch by the tail, tugging her a few times before swinging her around and flinging her past Barony Von Blue Pony The Third and One Half (got an identical brother and all that you see), with the rest of the Mane herd rushing past him.

Patch says she can’t go through with this whole ‘Becoming a princess’ thing and proceeds to immediately turn around and run back outside. All this spinning of Barony Von Blue Pony The Third and One Half causes him to thud to the floor. Poor Barony Von Blue Pony The Third and One Half, may angels sing they to their unconsciousness.

Sweetheart asks what could be wrong as Patch runs to the nearby circular water fountain, wth the others catching up shortly after.

Starlight asks why Patch booked it like she did.

Patch says that she doesn’t want to live in a fancy castle or be forced to dress up everyday.

G1 Applejack: But we don’t normally wear clothes….

Melody expresses shock that Patch doesn’t want to be a Princess, and Patch says that she really doesn’t want to leave her adoptive parents, even going to far as to say “Would you want to leave your mother?”

Note that Patch says mother here, not “mother and father.” What this says about MelDad is left up to the viewer. Is he dead? A deadbeat? Divorced? A Pirate Zombie hunter pony from a postapoplectic setting of doom and corny sound effects? Show never says. Think it’s interesting though that Melody seems to come from a single parent family, along with Patch being adopted and the like.

Regardless of my muses though, Melody is forced to admit that no, she wouldn’t be gun ho about leaving her mom her or her siblings either. Kinda puts things into perspective, don’t it Mels? Then again she’s like, ten and probably was more excited over the whole “Royalty is awesome” thing then thinking about the full implications of the situation.
Same for the rest of the Mane Herd for that matter. Because, ya know, their kids and this sort of stuff happens to kids. The not thinking things through part, not the finding long lost royalty party I mean.

Patch proceeds to laminate about her dumb ‘birthmark’ and starts to rub it… Only to find out that’s its coming off!

Starlight rubs the rest of it off and proceeds to theorize that it’s the same paint that they were using earlier at the pony orphanage.

Patch is so happy that she does a little horse kick thing with her front hooves, before leaping into the air and clopping the back of her hooves together like clogs. That, my friends, is one happy little pony. Also, she proceeds to take off all of her fancy clothes and suck… including her adoptive mom’s jewelry.

Um… Patch? Ya’ll might want to keep the jewelry on until you get back home.

Patch is about to throw off her red cloak when Melody points out that she’s the only pony in Ponyland/Coltonville that fits the very literal bill in Melody’s front hoof, listing off all the traits: Yellow eyes, pink hair, March 16th Birthday...

Rosey (who now has yellow eyes at this point, guess the girl has colored contacts as well as dies her hair in her spare time): Oh that’s my birthday too.

Melody: But do you have a red birthmark on your right front hoof?

Rosey: *holds up hoof with the mark on it*

Everyone else starts chattering about when Clover vocalizes the obvious, that Rosey is the real princess after all!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=-N3Uk8Y5km8

Rosey expresses bewilderment if she is really the One.

Melody: You have to be, you’re literally the only other pony that fits the description! That, and we only have a few minutes left in the episode.

Patch expresses her joy to Rosey that she’ll be the one who has to live the life of a princess, and not her, while Bright Eyes comments that they’ll want to get back to the King and Queen before the shove off for PonyUK.

Unfortunately, as Queen Pony expresses sadness over not finding their daughter, and King Pony consoles her, they get into the carriage and set off for home just as the Mane Seven Herd Plus Princess Rosie canters inside the building.

Rosey comments that they’re too late but Patch has a plan. The plan involves hitting the King of a foreign land with a ball of mud. This being My Little Pony, Patch does not, in fact, doom Ponyland in an international incident.

Rest of the Mane Seven leap out the first story windows, which were opened to catch some cool breeze I guess, and King Pony comes out of the now halted carriage.

King Pony demands to know who threw mud at his royal face and Patch admits that it was her, but that she had a good reason. Cue the crown being put on Rosey, Rosey getting some sparkle effects of her own, the Royal family of the Isle of Pony being at last reunited after years of separation.

It’s such a heartwarming moment that both Patch and Sweetheart getting all teary eyed at the reunion as the episode ends.

So, that was the Problems of Being a Princess. Problem 1. Having to leave your family/home town for some strange new land that you’ve never been to before. Problem 2. Having to wear clothes you aren’t comfortable with all the time and adapt to a new lifestyle you don’t really want anything to do with.

I enjoyed this episode, we got a nice look into Patch’s home like and emotional mindset (for those keeping score: Pony Orphanages in Tales: CANON. Pony Orphanages in FIM: NOT CANON (yet)) and the implications with Melody’s family life are interesting. Makes me wish Tales had had a second season (Oh, sure, Beast Wars and Reboot can get more than one season to work out their issues but Tales is left high and dry) to explore that issue as best as a ten minute time limit could allow. Also, makes for a nice balance to Patch’s characterization in The Impractical Joker and the Masquerade episodes.

Yeah, Patch works hard at being funny and sometimes doesn’t know when she’s gone too far, but she’s got a good heart and cares a lot of her parents, even if they aren’t related by blood.

Maybe it’s not to the tire of Friendship-Our-Characters-Are-So-complex- Is Magic (because nothing says complexity like having the shy character have the word shy in her name, right?) but I think it’s not too shabby all things considered, given the ten minute run time limits and all that.

So next week we have the Tales take on Charlie and the Choclate Factory, where Bon Bon is Willie Wonk, and Starlight become a half Apple, half pony hybrid freak of nature and-

*glances down at the papers before him* Ah. Sorry bout that. Seem to have gotten my Frutifcation Tales Pony fanfic idea mixed with the actual episode. Next time Starlight takes on the role of teacher and gets an apple, that may or may not start singing and telling her to feed ponies to it.


*Seriously, the people who complain that the Tales ponies don’t act like actual ponies, clearly have never seen/watch/cared much about most anamorphic ‘Funny Animal’ style cartoons ever. Because if you think Tales is bad, clearly you haven’t ever seen Busy Town or Ducktales. Actually, why does Ducktales get a pass and Tales doesn’t? Weird…

** Why are there so many headcanons? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY HEADCANONS?!

***Alicorn Princess Mane Seven, only 100$ (plus shipping and handling)!+
Available everywhere but the USA. Because we’re 1992 Hasbro and we’ve gone full dumbbutt now.

**** Not a fan of shallow parodies (coughRobotChickencough), just did one of a Mysterious reviewer who he’s never watched/cared about that much before. Seems legit. No problems here, no siree.